Dual Relations — The Gap Between Ideal and Reality

Clients often come to me and say: “Please tell me, there is a type of relationship called a dual relationship. I’m looking for my dual. They say living in a dual relationship is wonderful: if you find your dual, you’ll be happy for the rest of your life.”

All the literature praises, glorifies, and sings the virtues of these dual relationships. The founder of Socionics, Aušra Augustinavičiūtė, calls the dual relationship complementary. One person sees something in the world very clearly and is talented in a certain area, while the other does not see or understand it; the second partner, in turn, sees what the first misses. Together they appear to cover the entire surrounding world, perfectly protected from all sides. It is presented as mutual complementarity: you take half the information, your partner handles the other half, and everything is just great. We meet—and boom, a happy couple; life is complete. It would seem, how could it get any better?

Socionics shows how we interact: whether one person is capable of transmitting information to another. If they are, we live peacefully and harmoniously; if not, problems with mutual understanding arise, leading to quarrels and scandals. A person of one type sees the world one way, while another sees the exact same world differently. The question is whether we can explain ourselves and negotiate a common denominator. This is where relationships are built—and where we can predict mutual understanding (or its absence).

Many years of practical experience have shown that the idealized picture is not quite accurate. I have been consulting based on Socionics for a very long time and have met dual pairs extremely rarely. Over time I concluded that people in dual relationships simply are not very attracted to each other. When they encounter a dual, the majority tell me: “They just get on my nerves so much, they irritate me so much that I don’t even want to see them.” There is no attraction in dual relationships.

Well, okay—suppose something happens anyway: they sit next to each other in college and grow accustomed to one another, or some other circumstance leads them to marry, and now we have a dual pair. Let’s look at what actually goes on inside it.

Facet One: The “Slippers” Effect and the Dragging Swamp

The first aspect is what I call “slippers” relationships—relationships of pure comfort. Two people sit next to each other, put their armchairs together, and simply relax. One person rests next to the other and feels good because the partner covers all the problem areas the other has. I observed one couple where this went on for years: they moved only from the fridge to the TV. Complete relaxation, unbelievable bliss.

In practice this leads to stagnation. A couple gets married, stops running around on dates, shuts itself off in a small apartment, places two armchairs side by side, and watches TV. The atmosphere develops so that they no longer want to think, move, cook, or go to work. “I’m resting… I’m resting…” A week passes, two weeks pass—still resting. Unwashed dishes pile up. Someone should say “Let’s do this,” but everything slips away and they keep sitting. They come to me and ask, “We felt so good—what is happening to us now?” I explain: “You sat in those armchairs and rested; now you have to pull them apart against your own will and get moving. When the desire to do anything disappears, your mutual contact is to blame.”

The same pattern appears in parent–child pairs. A mother once came with her son. In my office he laid his head on her lap. She said: “It’s like this all the time. He runs home from school: ‘Mom, where are you?’ He puts a chair next to me, starts talking, and freezes; I slow down too. We have a very soulful connection, but we are constantly in a sort of trance.” He feels wonderful and sees no reason to strain his mind and study when everything already feels perfect. How can anyone lounge in that bliss and at the same time solve physics problems? A person in such relationships becomes completely sluggish.

When a third, fourth, or fifth family member appears, the mutual dual energy is diluted and people begin to move a little. Otherwise one must deliberately create distance: the greater the distance from each other, the faster people come to their senses and start taking action.

Facet Two: Decline in Business Activity and Collaboration

The second facet is closely linked to the first: when duals work together, any initiative started by one is dampened by the other. At first you light up—“Let’s do it, come on!”—and then suddenly you feel like doing nothing at all.

About 18–20 years ago a client offered me a fine office for consultations. We planned a flurry of activity: lectures teaching people how to navigate marriage and relationships with children. To navigate them means to understand them; to understand means to accept how a human being is wired—that they are not behaving badly on purpose but simply are the way they were created. This is hard to grasp, because everyone feels as though those around them are acting intentionally. Nothing of the sort: everyone is made the way they are, so the first step is to get to know a person and accept them.

We began settling into the office, talking, and organizing. Very little time passed before we completely lost interest. We planned “Let’s do this and that tomorrow,” then everything folded up and we did nothing. Or “Let’s go over there,” and again the plan smoothly fell through. We ended up working in that office extremely little. That is what dual relationships are like.

Facet Three: Mutual Irritation and the “War of Duals”

There is yet another side: mutual irritation. The strength of one person unconsciously presses on the weak points of the other, triggering a reciprocal wave of irritation that shows itself outwardly. At first you probably will not like a dual—they irritate you through their behavior, in business, and in personal interactions—and the wave can be intense.

Nature arranged this so we would not fall into excessive comfort, the “stagnant swamp.” If you manage to survive that initial tidal wave of irritation, adjust to each other, and get along, you will feel very comfortable and cozy and receive wonderful informational support. But you have to endure long enough to reach that point.

Important Rules of Socionic Matching

There is another critical point that applies to every relationship type. Even if twenty or thirty duals surround you, only one of them will actually prove interesting to you as a person. This is paramount: first find a genuine personality, and only then examine how the relationship dynamic will unfold.

Some people enter marriage simply because someone calculated their compatibility on paper. Accurate typing, however, requires a professional with years of experience. Never rely on random online tests or casual claims such as “I know—my neighbor is just like that.” When building a family, everything must be precise, thorough, and carried through to completion.

Summary

Many people assume that dual relationships are simply wonderful, exceptional, and incredibly good. I agree with that, but in practice I view that “incredibly good” aspect as consisting of specific, exceptional highlights. This applies, for example, to duals who grew up together in the same environment—such cases do exist, and those individuals go on to have a very good life together—or to long-established relationships. Such dual pairs do exist, yet I encounter them extremely rarely. In fact, the dual couples who come to me for consultations are often struggling with major issues regarding mutual understanding—assuming they have managed to get together in the first place.

If a dual relationship does become established and what Aušra called “dualization” occurs—full mutual adaptation—the settled couple becomes virtually invulnerable, remarkably strong, and long-lasting. Throughout my practice, however, I have seen very few examples where duals successfully settled down and lived together. The entire reason is that people are not naturally attracted to each other in these dynamics at the outset. Being with a dual is far from as simple as it seems; there are countless nuances to keep in mind.

Therefore I sincerely advise you not to blindly believe stories about how wonderful it is and exhaust all your efforts trying to find a dual.

A Note on Adaptation in Any Relationship

In any relationship whatsoever, you have to “put in the work”—you absolutely must adapt to your partner. Many people, especially in youth, harbor the belief “I could get along with anyone.” Once they start living together, however, their actions often become unconscious. We do not see ourselves from the outside, yet that perspective is crucial: the way we behave triggers reactions in others, sometimes negative ones, and we are often surprised by the outcome.

The biggest challenge is seeing your own self from the outside. Imagine setting up a hidden camera that records ordinary family life—you, your spouse, and your children acting completely naturally—and then watching the footage. I can guarantee you will not like everything you see. Then consider how others would react to that behavior. You will realize that much of what your loved ones do is simply a reaction to you. That realization is worth reflecting on.

Source: O. Mikhevnina