Ekaterina N. (ILI) — Reflections on Mind, Body, and Philosophy

Family Atmosphere and Conscience

There were always warm relationships in our home, and all my relatives treated me very well. The scariest thing for me was to do something that would make my mom and dad think poorly of me. Warm relationships with loved ones are the most important thing in my life.

I took it very hard if I accidentally hurt someone. Situations where you worry that you hurt someone with your words or actions still give me no peace. Sometimes you replay an incident in your head over and over, blame yourself, and worry about something the other person may not even have noticed and has long since forgotten.

Childhood Memory: The Bird and Grandfather

I remember one incident with my grandfather, whom I loved very much. Once a bird flew into our yard and died. We children buried it near the house. We dug a grave, put up a cross. When my grandfather came out of the house and saw what we had done, he didn’t like it. He took a shovel, dug everything up, and threw it into the trash dump behind the house. I remember being hurt to the point of tears; I thought it was very rude and inhumane, especially since the bird seemed unusual to me—if I remember correctly, it even looked like a parrot—and, in my opinion, deserved to be buried with honors. I got angry, burst into tears, and in the heat of the moment called him a fool—without even thinking that he would hear me. I still remember the expression on his face and the way he looked at me.

Something inside me snapped. That look alone was enough for me to avoid his eyes for the rest of the day. I was simply ashamed. When everyone was called to eat, I couldn’t even bring myself to go and sit next to him. My mother asked what had happened; through tears I told her, and we went together to apologize. It turned out he wasn’t angry at all and had apparently already forgotten about it—then, at last, a weight fell from my shoulders.

Fear of Disappointment and Forgetfulness

In my relationship with my parents, I was afraid of not living up to their expectations. I was terrified of hearing: “I’m ashamed of you. You betrayed me.” That was truly frightening.

If my mother asked me to do something and I didn’t do it, it wasn't necessarily because I didn't want to or was slacking off (though that happened too), but simply because the thought slipped out of my head and I forgot. My mother would say: “You can't be relied on; you're irresponsible.” For me, this was painful—a total nightmare.

Handling Tasks, Time Frames, and Praise

A child needs to be reminded about tasks. Call and say: “Did you go to such-and-such a place, did you do this or that...?” There's nothing wrong with repeating yourself a couple of times. I believe reminders are necessary. There's nothing terrible about someone forgetting.

It is also desirable to set time frames, because there is laziness and a tendency to leave everything to the last moment. When there is a deadline, you realize there's no more room to delay. As a rule, I never missed deadlines—neither at school nor at university; I submitted everything on time, and I always arrive on time for important meetings.

When a child completes what was asked of them, it needs to be acknowledged. You should say: “Oh, well done! You're so good!” Say thank you so that they remember the situation, and next time they will recall that praise.

Sensitive Conscience and the Need for Reassurance

An ILI is a person with a very sensitive conscience. The feeling of conscience never really leaves them. In different situations I behave, so to speak, according to my conscience.

Sometimes it feels very good for me—and I even need it—when I’m not allowed to sink too deeply into this sense of guilt and someone tells me: “Oh, come on, forget it, why are you worrying so much about this?” And it becomes easier for me. True, sometimes it also happens that I tell myself: “Forget it!”—and I relax.

Guidance on Parenting and Conflict Resolution

In this sense, on the one hand, it’s easy to raise a child like this, because he is not inclined to break rules, he is afraid of hurting someone by his actions, and he is very conscientious—and this can be manipulated. I did everything the way I was told. If I was told that something was right, I did it that way. But on the other hand, for adults it can be very difficult not to cross a certain line. Sometimes an adult doesn’t realize that saying a harsh word can completely throw a child off balance; the child may simply shut down and start blaming himself for something.

Accordingly, if a child has done something wrong or behaved incorrectly, it is necessary to calmly and clearly explain what the mistake was, what is good and what is bad, how one should and should not behave in a particular situation, and why. You must not drag resentment out over a long period of time, otherwise it can turn into deep psychological trauma; the child will begin to withdraw and engage in self-flagellation. You need to teach the child not to be afraid to ask for forgiveness, and you yourself must learn to forgive. A conflict must end happily, so that the child has not even a shadow of doubt that he is loved, understood, and that he is good. That is, you need to say: “I’m not angry with you, I love you, you’re the best,” hug him, stroke him, kiss him, forget it—and never return to that incident again.

Tone of Voice and Emotional Outbursts

In childhood, and even now, it is very important what tone people speak to you in and how they look at you. I always felt how people felt toward me, and it didn't necessarily have to be stated explicitly—though I did want to be told that I was loved. When mom kisses you, the warmth is clearly felt. Joyful emotions are generally comfortable, even if they are loud.

You must not shout at such a child; it is better to explain things calmly, even if it takes several times. When there is shouting and yelling, an internal block appears, my mind stops working, and a complete rejection of the situation occurs. When a loved one shouts, I can't even say anything. I will just cry and leave.

Once in my childhood, I went to my dad for help with a physics problem. He is quite emotional and loses his temper very quickly. In the end, without explaining anything properly and unable to stand my questions and lack of understanding, he yelled at me: “What is there not to understand... go and think...” among other things. Well, I went once, somehow finished the problem, understood nothing, and decided I would never go to him again. The same thing happened with drafting. Later, he asked me: “How come you don't come to me with homework anymore? Do you understand everything?” I told him I understood everything (my psyche couldn't take any more of that kind of explanation). In reality, I copied all my homework—luckily the teachers liked me, and my grades were B's and A's.

Learning Style, Teaching Requirements, and Interests

You need to explain things to a child in a calm situation: what, why, how. By the way, I had big problems with math. My grandmother was a mathematician, and she helped me. I actually could never memorize formulas or which one to apply when. I feel like I understood the subject theoretically even better than I could solve problems. My grandmother would explain a topic to me, and everything would be fine for a while. Then I'd think everything was fine and stop going to her. Then my grades would slip down to C's, I'd get an F, mom would urgently send me back to my grandmother, and she would pull me back up to B's and A's, until I slowly slid down again.

Совсем уж самостоятельным ребенком, в плане уро-ков, я не была. Я, в принципе, всегда нормально училась.

I wasn't an entirely independent child when it came to schoolwork. Generally speaking, I always studied decently well. That's how things were set up in our family—everyone had to do well in school. My sister was a straight-A student. Thank God, I was never forced into that. I was somewhat lukewarm about studying, and very often, if I didn't understand something, I didn't want to figure it out on my own anymore. I wanted to bypass it, ignore it—it was too much trouble to figure out.

I remember in English class, when translating texts, I was too lazy to look up unfamiliar words in the dictionary, operating on the principle of: “Oh well... good enough... I got the general idea, so whatever.” Then a new teacher arrived who started demanding verbatim translations; there was no way out anymore, so I had to look things up in the dictionary. Eventually I got into the swing of it; checking exact translations became a habit, and it even made things easier.

Accordingly, you need to monitor such a child's studies and not let them slack off. To motivate the child to engage in deeper learning, they need to like the teacher, find it interesting, and have things explained in an engaging way—but at the same time, the teacher must be demanding so there is no opportunity to slack off. I liked biology in school; it was interesting to see how everything works. I attended an after-school club and grew flowers.

Childhood Passion for History and the Need for Parental Supervision

I liked history at school; I studied it. I would learn it and retell it to my grandmother. I really liked the pictures in the history textbook. The pyramids, and other things—I loved looking at everything. I imagined how things were back then and told everyone how people lived there. I remember we went with my parents to a holiday resort; their friends were with us, and I kept talking and talking about all the pyramids. It was a bit of a shock to me when one woman said that she had never heard of the Pyramid of Cheops at all.

In general, if parents want a child to genuinely be smart and educated, they must supervise their studies, because the child won't mind slacking off, and if there's something they didn't fully understand, they are unlikely to persevere and doggedly figure it out on their own.

Childhood Doubts, Fear of the Unknown, and Resistance

In childhood, there were many doubts: if I go somewhere, what will it be like there? The unknown frightened me. I didn't go to kindergarten. On the one hand, I kind of wanted to, but I was simply afraid because I didn't know how things would be there. So I dodged it in every way, dug my heels in, and said: “No, I don't want to...” — it was hard to make up my mind. For the same reason, I didn't go to art studio or corrective gymnastics to fix my posture, which I regret now.

The Need for Parental Firmness and Gentle Encouragement

In my opinion, parents facing these situations need to show determination on behalf of their children. You just need to take them and bring them there until the child gets used to it, or until you and the child truly realize that the chosen activity isn't for them. At the same time, of course, you should first try to calmly persuade them and explain why they need it, and never shout. You just need to say: “I enrolled you in such-and-such place, they do this and that there... they do it so well... let's give it a try... I think you'll succeed too, after all, you're so smart/capable... you'll go a few times, and if you don't like it, you don't have to stay; the first lesson is on Friday at 6:00 PM.” Then take them, monitor their progress, and praise their achievements. I think in my case, such an approach would have worked.

My mother generally acted exactly this way, except she gave up at the final step when I just needed to be taken by the hand and brought there. She gave me freedom and said: “If you don't want to, have it your way—walk around with a crooked back.” Of course, I didn't want to walk around with a “crooked back,” it stung me, but I couldn't bring myself to say “Take me there” after such a challenge, so I naturally replied: “Fine, I will.”

When persuading, I repeat, you need to be patient. Everything should be quiet, peaceful, and kind, without shouting, but persistent.

Also, I think sending the child along with a friend can help. With this approach, the fear (“what if they treat me poorly there?”) disappears, because the child knows they aren't alone.

The more different places such a child attends, the easier it will be for them to communicate with people, overcome social fear, and become more confident, decisive, and open.

Vivid Imagination, Nighttime Fears, and Anxiety

An ILI child is quite impressionable and can imagine a lot of things. Once, I watched a foreign cartoon. Their fairy tales are harsher than ours—everything ends badly or irreversibly. While in our fairy tales Ivan the Fool gets out of all difficult situations, in theirs, the kids disobeyed, went into the woods, and the witch ate them. I remember watching that cartoon and being unable to fall asleep for probably a week. Every time I fell asleep, I had this terrifying fear that this old woman would come and eat me. She was constantly before my eyes, and I felt so sorry for those children. It was pure horror.

In general, frightening thoughts tend to creep in closer to nightfall. To this day, I dislike falling asleep alone in the house; I imagine all sorts of rustling sounds as if someone is there. As a rule, I fall asleep with the light on and towards morning.

Anxiety happens—it just comes over me. For instance, if a loved one is in a difficult situation, the level of anxiety can be strong. Intuitively, I know everything will be fine, but the anxiety periodically builds up. I'll call and check: “Is everything okay?” If it's okay, I let the situation go.

Attitude Towards People and Honest Communication

Regarding my attitude toward people, I can say that initially, all people are good to me; everyone has their own flaws and virtues, and you can learn something from anyone. At the same time, I usually evaluate people themselves... stupid or smart. I don't like wasting time communicating with stupid people or discussing trivial topics, but such is life that sometimes you have to.

I pay attention to whether people behave correctly or incorrectly. Proper attitudes, moral values, and social norms are instilled primarily by parents, I think. Secondly, of course, by surrounding society. My parents taught me from childhood that taking what isn't yours and lying are unacceptable. I have never deceived anyone in a major way, so to speak. Or if I ever had to in certain situations, I did it in such a way that the person never guessed. In childhood, when I asked my parents for permission to go somewhere, I tried to be as honest as possible—where, with whom, and why—and then I would tell them how it went, omitting certain minor details, of course. That was comfortable for me, and both my mom and my conscience were at peace.

I believe this is the most optimal way of raising a child: to build a trusting relationship so that you are aware of their life, so they don't learn to deceive, and so they learn to make independent decisions and take responsibility for their behavior, while you can help them along the way. It is very important to understand and calmly accept everything your child tells you. If there is something in their words that you don't quite like, it's worth having a calm conversation about it. You need to explain why you think they should behave differently in a given situation and ask what they think about it themselves.

An ILI is very perceptive and, most likely, after analyzing your conversation over time, they will draw the right conclusions. And you yourself might benefit from looking at your own norms and rules from a different perspective on certain issues—though I know that is very difficult for many people to do.

I prefer to be told the truth; I will try to understand and accept it, no matter what it is.

Moral Principles, Public Behavior, and Role Models

Of course, moral principles are formed by watching the behavior of parents themselves. I remember during the Perestroika era, when many people didn't think twice about throwing away candy wrappers or spitting sunflower seed shells onto park paths, my mom and I would spit seeds into a bag and throw them into a trash bin. She explained to me that until the seed shells thrown on the asphalt decompose, they remain trash, and other people won't enjoy being in that place. Since then, a principle was set: “You must not chew sunflower seeds and throw shells on the ground, wherever you are.” Sometimes people spit seeds at bus stops, which I find completely mind-boggling—I feel like walking up to them and saying: “Could you please spit into the bin?” Many people hold the view that there's a street sweeper, it's their job anyway, and they will sweep it up. A street sweeper should clean up leaves that fell from trees, not your trash.

As for young mothers strolling through the park with a bottle and a cigarette—that just completely drives me crazy.

Children will naturally adopt that behavior later on. Parents' behavior becomes the social norm. I completely fail to understand why, if a law was passed prohibiting beer in public places, it isn't enforced. The police officers should react somehow. If a mother spits seed shells and sips beer, an idea might get fixed in the child's mind that this is the right way to live. When I interacted with other people, I often saw them doing bad or wrong things, and I knew for certain about myself that I would never act that way.

Risk Assessment, Criticism, and Evaluating Others

When people tell me about something, like plans for the future, potential risks and bad outcomes immediately take shape in my mind, and I express them. I have a habit of criticizing people. I often say: “You're handling this wrong, you're doing it wrong, you should do it like this or like that”—of course, not everyone likes this. I try to speak more softly or remain silent in places where people don't need my opinion.

Sometimes someone might tell me, for instance: “I want to start my own business. And for startup capital—I'll sell my car and something else.” Thoughts immediately pop up: “Why do that? It's not guaranteed to work out; after all, you don't have this, you don't know or know how to do that.” At first, I might offer a critical response, but then I start looking at additional facts and thinking about how it could all come together. Ah, if he worked in this field before, that means there are already some connections to this business, so maybe it will work out after all. That's how I evaluate things.

Sometimes you look at a person and think nothing will come of it, but they simply aren't afraid, they just do it, and everything works out for them. Yes, they got burned in one place, then in another, but they don't stop—they keep going and everything is fine. Other times it's the opposite: a seemingly smart, pleasant person—if they'd just start doing something, success would come to them, but they don't move; they sit there and complain about fate.

Caution, Need for Reassurance, and Adaptability

Often, seeing the risks holds me back very severely. You think: “What if this or that happens, what if what I planned doesn't work out?” So sometimes you think it's better to leave everything as it is than to take a risk. You want someone to instill confidence in you.

Now I try to tune myself to the idea that there is nothing to be afraid of and that there's a way out of every situation. There is nothing permanent in the world. Everything flows, everything changes. And in any case, everything will be fine with me, one way or another.

Immersed in Memory and Constant Mental Analysis

I "visit" the past a lot. There are very many memories. In general, as a matter of fact, I was only recently thinking that right now I am here. On the one hand, all of this is being recorded; in principle, I track what is happening around me, but at the same time, at that very moment, I can be thinking about something that happened long ago.

I can recall some vivid event from the past, remember it there, imagine what happened, how I behaved, how I could have behaved differently, why people behaved in exactly that way, what they were thinking, what guided them. If later, after some time, someone asks me, “You were riding in a bus—do you remember anything there?”—then I recall those events in my memory. I know what was around me during that period of time, but at the same time my thoughts could have been in a completely different place, in some moment of my past.

You always analyze what you did, what it led to, what it will lead to. I often can’t fall asleep because these thoughts keep spinning in my head, spinning. If the day was intense, you constantly think about what happened, how you behaved, how you could have behaved, what people said, what they feel toward you… Analysis. It’s constantly going on in my head; I can’t even fall asleep. <...>

And today I had a dream: I was hurt in that dream, and I woke up angry at the people who hurt me. I woke up, my eyes were open, but I was still thinking through how, in the dream, I couldn’t respond to what was done to me there.

Vision of the Future and Existential Perspective

Sometimes I think about what the future will be like. Mostly there is a feeling that everything will be fine for me. Of course, sometimes a mood comes over you and you draw scary pictures in your head—about the emergence of some illness, or scenarios of global warming, the extinction of animals due to human fault. Then you think that anything can happen at all: a comet could collide with the Earth, and our form of life would disappear—and so what? There will be something else; there is nothing scary about it.

If you go deeper and deeper into your consciousness, you will understand, roughly speaking, that you are a grain of sand in the Universe. And people—what about them? They rush somewhere, hurry, and there is no meaning in it at all; we will all die anyway. And when some difficult circumstances arise, when everything presses on you, when a life situation becomes tense in a bad way, at that moment it seems to me that you need to relax a little and say to yourself: “Why are you actually twitching like this? What will change because of it?” And then, in that relaxed state, everything will somehow go by itself, and it will become easier. If you don’t do something here, it means you didn’t need to do it. Then it naturally turns out that you will do it later. Everything will be fine anyway. I don’t have a feeling that everything will be bad; I have a feeling that everything will be good!

Even if an asteroid collides with our Earth—well, there will be no Earth, no humanity, but there will be something else.

Our planet is 4.5 billion years old; humanity is about 2 million years old, of which we have been developing consciously for, at most, 50 thousand years. Sometimes you think that on the scale of the Universe our fuss means absolutely nothing.

Life Philosophy, Personal Values, and Relationships

In general, if all people thought about this, it would be easier to live. For some, this awareness would remove the “crown from their head,” and for others, on the contrary, it would give determination—there is nothing scary in our world, and one should not be afraid to take action.

In general, I live by the principle of King Solomon: “This too shall pass,” and “There is only a moment between the past and the future…”—and from this it follows that everything will be fine, and one’s “moment” should be lived with dignity and meaning. I would only like my family and loved ones to be with me throughout my life. For me, I suppose, one of the fundamental components of life happiness is not to outlive my children and grandchildren, and to communicate into old age with friends, interesting people, and like-minded souls.

Work Ethic, Money Management, and Financial Intuition

A child needs to be taught about work and that money is earned. It doesn't just come out of nowhere. I was never the kind of child who threw tantrums screaming, “Mom, buy this!” If I wanted something, I might mention it, but if my mom said the item was unnecessary or useless, I agreed. If I wanted it really badly, my mom would say, “I'll give it to you for your birthday.” I would wait for my birthday. Someone would gift me money, and I'd buy what I wanted. I understood that if there was no money, there was no need to ask for extra things.

Even now, I am quite frugal. I wear clothes for a very long time, and shoes for at least four seasons, I think. I have clothes that are a bit worn out, but I can wear them to the dacha, for instance. I don't really understand people who don't have old clothes to wear to the countryside or the forest.

In childhood, we played a game where we created a restaurant. Someone was a chef, someone was a police officer, someone had a beauty salon. I was always the banker. I held all the money and handed out salaries to everyone; I really enjoyed it. I never took extra for myself. Cooking in a restaurant didn't appeal to me much; I didn't see any special charm in it, but handling money was something I liked.

About myself, I can say that as a rule, I don't meticulously calculate money or plan down to the last penny. I mostly feel intuitively: a lot vs. a little money, enough vs. not enough, expensive vs. cheap, whether I can afford something or not. I can save money for something serious and then freely spend it without regret on an item I really like or on fun entertainment. Generally, the more you spend, the more you'll have—though not mindlessly, of course.

Attitude Toward Clothing, Appearance, and Style

Until transition age, I didn't care at all about what I was wearing. It started to matter when interpersonal relationships began, when kids started looking at how others dressed, and then I wanted to dress nicely.

Now I like to dress expensively and beautifully, but at the same time, I can sometimes dress simply without a second thought and skip makeup altogether—I won't worry about it at all. When going to a holiday or a serious event, I dress up for the occasion.

Physical Weakness, Fear of Sports, and Suitable Activities

In childhood, I was never a sporty child at all. While everyone was running and rushing around, I was always somewhere at the back. The only thing I liked was riding a bike fast, especially downhill, because you didn't have to pedal. I loved that. I would “fly” down those hills and often scraped myself up.

I had no physical conditioning. I could never climb a rope and couldn't even imagine how people did it. My body was weak. When we played volleyball, I was even afraid of the ball. It seemed completely wild to me how they threw it over the net from one end of the gym to the other—I was in total shock. It felt like I would never be able to do it. And I was constantly worried that when my turn came to serve, the ball would hit the net and everyone would be disappointed.

I think you need to develop the body of such a child. You shouldn't demand grand achievements, but simply to build the child's self-confidence—the body needs development.

The types of sports should ideally be without extreme power strain: gymnastics, dance, or running are good. I could run long distances; I liked it. Short distances were hard: I didn't even have time to build up speed before I had to brake, and I barely understood what was happening. But when running for a long time—several laps around the stadium, almost for two hours—I would just run and run when specific results weren't strictly required. To make it more than just running—so the brain develops too—you could sign them up for orienteering.

I like skiing. My parents and I used to ski often. I didn't need hills. Just glide along—nature, pleasant atmosphere. Then you come home with a feeling of tiredness, and it feels nice. You feel accomplished: “Look at me, I skied so far,” your cheeks tingling from the frost—it's great! I like swimming. Bicycling is wonderful! In childhood, I rode a bike a lot; I spent a lot of time in the countryside and rode my bike everywhere: to the river, to the forest, and just around. However, to get such a child used to sports, you'll need to gently push them again, take them to classes (while ensuring the group is friendly), or ride together.

Sensory Awareness in Childhood and Handling Weather Precautions

My mom often made me wear a hat, which I naturally didn't want to do—it was spring, and everyone was walking around without one. By the way, my mom painted a scary scenario for me: that I'd catch a cold, my ears would swell up, I'd get otitis, and so on. I thought it would be better to wear the hat. As an adult, I can evaluate more realistically whether I'm cold or not. But in childhood, I didn't pay any attention to it at all: whether I was cold or not. I could completely fail to feel bodily sensations.

For example, in winter my friends and I would run around, go sledding down hills, and stay away from home for half a day. During that time, my body didn't bother me at all; I was in a state of pure happiness, fun, and excitement from riding fast down the hills. Whether my body was freezing or not didn't matter at all. Wet or not wet—I felt nothing. I remember coming home, and my grandmother would take my pants—there wasn't a dry spot left on them—hang them on the radiator, rub me with vodka, and wrap me in a blanket.

You need to keep an eye on a child like this. Don't scare them that they will definitely catch a cold if they get wet, but simply help them deal with it all. You need to teach them to listen to their body's sensations without being afraid of them.

To achieve this, you should actually explain what will happen to their health if they don't wear a scarf or something similar. In childhood, it sometimes seems cool to walk around without a hat, to take it off earlier in autumn or spring. Here you can explain: “You will look wonderful in a pretty hat, and that's much better than walking around with swollen ears and looking unappealing.” When you explain it this way, the child will immediately form a clear stance in their head, and they won't care what anyone else says. The main thing is to shape the right mindset in the child's head regarding various issues.

Body Perception, Illness, and Hypochondria

My bodily sensations aren't always realistic; sometimes it feels like my body isn't even there. I think you shouldn't dwell on minor ailments: “Oh, you have a little runny nose...” and over-treat them. If you dwell on it, the child will believe it even more and stay sick forever. My mother used to snap me out of being sick. Sometimes I didn't want to go to school and pretended to be ill, eventually convincing myself that I was. Well, there were minor indispositions, and I would miss school for two weeks. But my mom would tell me: “Everything is fine, you've already recovered, go on, that's enough being sick.” You realize that slacking off won't work anymore, and it turns out you don't actually feel that bad.

A child needs to be reassured that they aren't sick; otherwise, they might get “stuck” in that state. Such a child is very suspicious regarding their health and can imagine a lot of things that aren't actually there. This needs to be nipped in the bud. Tell them: “You're healthy, these are minor things, everything will pass.”

Health Anxiety and Dealing with Doctors in Adulthood

Sometimes I completely fail to notice what's going on with my body. I'll walk around with a toothache for a while. Then one morning I wake up in panic: “My tooth hurts! What if I have to get it extracted altogether?” A slight panic sets in. I know I should go to the doctor, but I'm afraid. I might drag it out until the last moment, refusing to go until it hurts severely. Now, though, I have medical professionals in my family whom I can consult; they advise me or direct me to the right specialist. So I try not to wait until the last minute anymore, realizing that the earlier you start treatment, the easier and more painless it will be.

Sometimes a pimple pops up, and you think: “That's it. What if it turns into gangrene...” I start asking: “Am I going to die?”

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina