Natasha M. (ESI) — The Conscientious Fighter

Standards for Personal Circles and Unacceptable Behavior

In my childhood, all people were good to me, but I noticed a lot in relationships. If, for example, someone snitched on someone else, that person simply ceased to exist for me. I saw everyone clearly at school—who was what—and I wasn't close friends with everyone, but I was on good terms with everyone. I was always someone: the head of the detachment, the Komsomol organizer, but I didn't have close friends at school, and I didn't have time anyway because I had practice all the time.

I will never associate with an unreliable and disorganized person; I find it generally difficult to be around them. For instance, if a person makes promises and doesn't keep them, or if we are meeting up and they are late. We had one girl like that; everyone would wait for her, but I would just leave. For me, that kind of person is unacceptable. I will never associate with someone who sees only the bad in everyone and talks about it: "She is so fat, and yet she wore that dress..." I can't talk to a person like that; I find them uninteresting.

Rejection of Negativity and Selective Loyalty

Sometimes you talk to a child, and you can tell right away that their parents spend all their time gossiping and criticizing people. It happens that little girls copy their parents' contemptuous intonations so much... I won't associate with gossips; I find them difficult and uninteresting.

If a person is close and dear to me, and they do something that could be condemned, I will say: "How could she!" But then I start making excuses for that person. If I am very comfortable with someone and am afraid of losing them, I justify them.

Shared Activities and Passions in Friendship

I was interested in those with whom it was easy to organize something. "Hey, let's go there?" "Let's do it!" Once, we asked our parents for permission and went to a new neighborhood just to see what it was like.

I read a lot; I was interested in going to the library together. I had a friend when we were already older girls. Every Sunday, we would go to the market together, buy groceries, and cook using cookbooks. I was interested in passionate people who were engaged in something fascinating.

Socializing, Hospitality, and Creative Expression

I like to have fun, dance, goof around, walk around a big city among beautiful people, and go somewhere interesting. I remember I flew back from the Far East and organized my classmates—we went to theaters and cafes. Communication is something I really need. Sitting around, chatting, gossiping, laughing, and teasing each other.

Such a child needs girlfriends and friends. We never hung out at our place, as they say now, even though my parents are quite kind. We always gathered at two other girls' houses. I think friends should be made welcome.

Physical Activity, Team Dynamics, Status, and Determination

Such a child should be drawn into various types of practical work, sparking their interest in many things. <...> I love to dance; a child like this should be put into dance classes.<...> Regarding sports: I did track and field, but I don't like running long distances; I ran sprints. I liked playing volleyball: the overall emotional vibe when you can feel your partner.

<...> I love music; I really wanted to play the piano. It was my dream, but my parents couldn't afford to buy the instrument. They offered an accordion, but the accordion wasn't prestigious. I got my way in the end. In teacher's college, there is piano training, and I played. My parents didn't hear me when I said I wanted to study music. They equated everything to money—they couldn't afford to buy a piano.

The Need for Relational Depth and Emotional Venting

You need to talk to a child like this. Talk, talk, talk. "Why did you do it this way and not that way? I wouldn't have done it like that, I would have done it this way." "You did this, what do you feel inside? Is it pleasant for you? You hurt that person." No one ever talked to me.

Parents need to be closer to such a child so they can pour their heart out; they always have a lot of internal anxiety. When you talk to this kind of child about psychological topics, they get used to it, and they develop a need to speak out. This is very important—they shouldn't bottle things up. Every now and then, you need to have a "heart-to-heart talk." Over time, a lot piles up, and on completely different topics.

In my childhood, I had a friend whose mother worked as a cafeteria worker; she was very vibrant for those times. She talked about absolutely everything with her daughter. My friend would come over and tell us that her mom explains everything to her about female physiology and everything, everything, everything... She explained a lot and discussed emotional experiences with her daughter. But my mom never told me about anything: not about boys, not about puberty, not about how to behave with friends...

Sometimes, my mom would say: "Why isn't Ira coming over to see you?" "I had a fight with her." "Well, make up,"—and that was it, the conversation was over. That's how it was.

People need to talk to me; I need to talk things out.

Family Dynamics: Seeking Trust and Handling Conflicts

I missed having secrets and deep emotional sharing with my mom. A child should tell their secrets to some adult, mom or dad. I once told my dad: "We're going on a hike, and there will be boys there." Mom would never have let me go there.

If there was a conflict with the teachers: "Dad, go ahead, they're calling you in." There was an instance where I punched a boy in the nose. He was all fragile like that; his mom would walk around feeding him semolina porridge so as not to upset him, and all the teachers gave him A's and B's. This outraged me.

But dad is dad, whereas with mom, there was never that kind of contact.

The Deep Need for Praise, Pride, and Validation

Such a child needs to be praised for everything. In my parents' eyes, I was good and didn't cause them trouble, but they never told me: "You are such a good girl, so smart." It hurt me.

<...> Mom believed: you're fed, you're watered, you study well—what else do you need? She never felt proud of me: "Look at my daughter, she does sports, she is like this...!"

I wanted people to be proud of me. A child needs to feel that their mother is proud of them, after all, they are so good! But she was the opposite: "Everything is fine, that's how it's supposed to be!"

I remember women sitting on the bench by the entrance, and among them were some who talked about their children: "Oh! I bought her such a dress!" I don't remember my mom ever saying anything like that about me, but I wanted her to. Instead, she would say: "She's this and that, she didn't mop the floor." To this day, my mom still doesn't say: "Wow, look at you! Way to go! Is there anything I can help you with to make it even better?" My mother lacked this, but I needed it. I need people to be happy for me, so there is somewhere to move—higher, to something more prestigious.

In childhood, a child like this does more for their parents just so they will appreciate it. If they appreciate and elevate them, then even more forward momentum will happen. It's worth telling such children: "You are the most beautiful, you are the smartest," rather than acting like it doesn't matter how I write this test or how I dress...

The Burden of Expectations and the Need to Be the Best

ESIs are very conscientious, very anxious children. If you constantly appeal to such a person's conscience, they will either become completely indifferent, or their behavior will involve too many emotional peaks and crises—the kind where you feel like you're "going crazy"—and the child might end up blaming themselves for everything. I couldn’t allow myself to do anything bad because of the thought: "What will my parents say?" I always tried to be the best, or at least always stay in the top ten leaders, so that my mom wouldn’t feel ashamed of me at parent-teacher meetings. I needed to be at the top constantly.

My mom used to say: "Win the teacher's respect first, and it will be easier later." You had to "beat your head against the wall," study everything just so people would notice that you are a responsible person, that you can work, and that you can carry out tasks and assignments. For me, the main thing was not to feel ashamed in front of my elders, in front of my parents.

Inner Order, Self-Discipline, and the Trap of Self-Criticism

I don’t remember ever being bad—being bad was shameful. It never even crossed my mind to do something to spite my parents or go against the established order. For example, if a chair was supposed to face a certain way, it would face that way, and I would always place it exactly like that. I am a person of inner order and organization.

For as long as I can remember, starting from around the fourth grade, I would wake up knowing that I had to get up at seven, have breakfast, go to school, manage to do my homework after school, and then head to practice. The track and field arena was far outside the city. I was constantly planning out my day.

I can’t just say: "To hell with it all! Let there be dirt here, and let this chair stand in the wrong place." I just can’t do that. When I try, some kind of internal contradiction starts. I begin to view myself as a bad person. I always try to be very proper. I’m not afraid of someone telling me that I’m this or that. It’s just that I feel comfortable when I have structured myself, straightened myself out, and put myself into a certain framework—that’s when I feel very calm. But when, for instance, I think, "I need to do this," and then I don't do it, I start to pick at myself: "You really should have done that." I nag, nag, nag at myself.

I get dissatisfied with myself.

Fear of the Unknown and Anxiety Over Change

I prefer the world to stay without changes; I am a conservative. I would worry about everything unknown: "How will things go on the test?" even though my preparation was usually very good. A child like this has a lot of anxieties. It would be good if they were close to their parents, sharing their worries with them, while the parents listened and supported them.

I worried about everything, I was very responsible, constantly trembling over tests and exams. It would have been great if someone had talked to me at those moments. "I have a test tomorrow, I'm worried." "What are you worried about? Are you worried about a specific part, or just in general? Maybe you didn't work hard enough on something? You know this subject, you have a B in it, so does that mean it's an unearned B? Go over this chapter."

The Front Line: Studies as an Absolute Duty

I did well in school, always getting straight A's. If I couldn't solve a math problem, my mom told me she would come into my room at night and find me still sitting there, trying to solve it. I couldn't leave something unfinished; I would develop a sense of guilt toward myself, not toward anyone else. Back then, I wanted my parents to be proud of me.

I couldn't break the rules; I was always very positive and reliable. My parents never had any trouble with me. In school, I was always either the class monitor or the chairperson of the pioneer squad council.

<...> When a child studies at school, that is their front line, which they are responsible for, and they need to put all their strength into it. No slack should be given, like: "It's no big deal, so you'll get a C or a B..." A child like this doesn't need that. If you study consistently, it means you should have consistent grades, because that is the indicator of your labor. A parent should say: "After all, I get paid for my work, and you get grades for your studies. This means you need to work a bit harder." If parents give them slack, such a child might slack off so much that they will start being indifferent toward everything else. Mom said, "It's no big deal," so I calmed down, and I don't care whether I study or not.

Fighting Against Injustice and the Evolution of a Rebel

I remember after the eighth grade, we were supposed to go on a school trip to Riga, and for some reason, I wasn't picked to go. As it turned out later, they took the vice-principal's child instead. I went straight to that vice-principal and said: "Why? I am so good, I'm the chairperson of the pioneer squad council, I won first place in the district poetry recital competition, I have straight A's." After that, I refused to say hello to those teachers, and my mom would tell me: "You can't do that, well-mannered people must always greet others." "No, they wronged me!" I harbored that grudge for a long, long time. I was vindictive, walking around and telling myself: "I am good, I am like this, and like that..."

I am a fighter. I had a lot of problems until I turned thirty; later on, I grew wiser. During the Perestroika era, when unemployment began, I went to serve in the army. Now, that was fun.

Whenever a new boss arrived, I would end up in a conflict with them within six months. And these were harsh conflicts. The officers couldn't understand what was happening; they were used to giving orders, but if a boss said something wrong, I wouldn't do it. I won't do anything just because someone yells "Attack!" Either you give me a well-reasoned explanation of why it’s necessary, or... If I see for myself that it shouldn’t be done, I will fight for my point of view! I had a great deal of conflicts, and my first two bosses even complained to my husband: "We don’t know what to do with her!" I cried so many tears!

After thirty, I stopped speaking out so harshly. Now I think about how to sugarcoat it, how to subtly say that I won't do something. I don't fight blindly anymore. But my conscience will eat me alive if I tolerate something and remain silent.

I used to shout and argue if someone next to me was treated unfairly. I could go straight to the commander and say: "Are you fools? Why are you offending this person? She is a good specialist!" That is part of who I am. It has always been there. It was there throughout my childhood.

Learning to Restrain the Inner Warrior

This child is a fighter. Looking back now, I think parents should teach such a child to restrain themselves, because life is such that their actions can come back to hit them like a boomerang! For example, my son had conflicts with his math teacher. I told him: "You need your diploma, you have to get into university. Solve the problems exactly the way the teacher told you to!" You need to tell a child like this: "Submit to it, let the situation go. You can't settle everything with your fists!" You don't always have to enter into a conflict with a person; sometimes proving something to them is completely useless.

Demand for Facts and Rejection of Rumors

Since childhood, I believed I was right in everything, no matter what anyone told me. I am smart.

I was skeptical about everything unless it was backed up by facts. When people told me: "There is this person over there!" "That's simply impossible!"—I would say. If it wasn't written down somewhere and was just some rumors, I would say: "Why are you lying? Where did you read that? Give me facts!" I need everything to be concrete. If I was told that this information came from a newspaper or TV, then it was actually true, but everything else—gossip, he-said-she-said, Chinese whispers—I didn't trust that kind of information. I need facts, and this applies to everything.

You need to speak to a child like this in the language of facts: it happened then, in that place, it was published there. And they will believe it, but they won't believe simple rumors. Rumors didn't satisfy me either in childhood or now. It absolutely infuriated me: "Why are you all making things up?!"

Pragmatic Reason and Motivation for Tasks

When I was little, I needed to have it explained to me why I had to do this or that job. I have to understand what I am doing and what it is needed for. If I were rigidly commanded, I would resist; there would be a conflict.

But if I see that something needs to be done, I will do it, even if I am ordered to. But if I don't see what something is for, and it isn't explained to me, I won't do it just because. I need to have it explained to me what it is needed for and what will come out of it later.

You need to ask the child; they can work a lot, especially for their loved ones.

Domestic Order and Predictable Routines

In our home, my parents maintained order in the apartment in every way, and I am brought up so that it's impossible to sit down and do homework when there is dirt all around and a mess on the desk. It's impossible to walk into the kitchen and calmly drink coffee if there are unwashed dishes from the night before—it feels uncomfortable, it immediately gets on my nerves, and spoils my mood.

Everyone in the family had specific chores. Dad would beat the carpets on Fridays, and my sister and I would mop the floor. By the time mom returned from work, the apartment was clean. Mom would cook dinner. I felt very comfortable that way.

Such a child needs clear household chores.

Aesthetics, High-Quality Materiality, Prestige, and Money Management

It is very important for such a child to have beautiful clothes. I will never leave the house if there is some mismatch: bag - skirt - shoes, or anything else. I will never go out with chipped nails. Manicures and pedicures are the same for me as brushing my teeth. I cannot look unattractive or unkempt.

I like rich, bright colors. My mom always listened to us, the children, and never bought anything for me to "grow into." I was always dressed well, in high-quality, expensive things. My dad had the opportunity to get such items back during the times of shortages. I remember I had imported boots that cost 120 rubles; for those times, that was very expensive. It is very important to dress such a child well.

<...> Prestige is important for a ESI. It was prestigious to run in Puma sneakers during practices. If we trained in a cool indoor arena where members of the national teams gathered, of course, you needed cool clothes there too. For me, it was prestigious that my parents had traveled all over the Soviet Union, and every weekend they would go out into society—to the theater, to a restaurant. My mom had a very large library, and I could tell someone that my parents had a library like that.

<...> At home, the money was always kept in the same place, and we knew where it was. The way it worked in our family was: if we needed to buy something major, we’d get a suit for Dad one month, and something big for me the next...

If I went to a store and saw something I wanted, I’d find myself wondering, "Will this hurt the family budget?" At moments like that, I’d be torn by my conscience.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina