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Anna M. (ILI) — A Philosophy of Time, Work, and Inner State

Inner Harmony and Philosophy of Life

ILIs have their own inner understanding of how one should live properly:

The most important thing is the state of the soul. A calm joy of life, the feeling that everything that happens is exactly how it should happen, the desire to live regardless of the events that occur to me, my loved ones, or other people.

It is better to struggle with one’s own shortcomings and to help another person if they ask for it.

It is important to love the world: people, animals, nature, the weather, and even an economic crisis (we created it ourselves for our own development).

An interest in life, in people, in the sciences—even at a popular-science level—adds bright colors to the quality of life.

The Value of Personal Time

Time is life. It is an immense value. If someone else manages my time, I am being robbed. I must and want to dispose of it as I wish. I remember going to work on a rigid schedule for many years; I feel those years were simply stolen from me.

I sense time in different ways. Time can stop, flow slowly, or race swiftly. It is a river that can be full-flowing, or turn into a trickle, a quiet backwater, or a swamp. That is how I feel it.

The Perception and Dynamics of Time

If I think about the physical nature of time, I realize that time does not exist. There is the Universe, and it is constantly changing its state. The sensation of time is the sensation of the change of states. There is no time; there is only a sequence of events.

A slowing of time means few events, few impressions.

An acceleration of time means many events, many changes of state.

When time is running, it means many events are happening and life is rich, with many changes inside and outside—and that is when time runs. If nothing changes, time slows down, and a state of complete stillness is death, one could say.

I want time to move like a full-flowing river. The river of time flows through me; I am filled, life is abundant, full-blooded. The river of life, and I am within it—then I fully open up. All my abilities and possibilities unfold. If time slows down, I am closed, doing nothing, and stopping altogether is death.

Development and the Finite Nature of Existence

To live, one must develop. Everything has its beginning and its end—every phenomenon and every person. This is something you can feel. But you don’t always understand when the end is coming, and that’s why you want to know in advance.

Every person’s life has a beginning, a peak, and a completion. This is an objective reality. Nothing is infinite. Everything has a beginning and an end. It was a great revelation for me to learn that our universe will disappear. And humanity will disappear too. But then you realize that it transforms into some other quality.

We will all die—we will move into another quality. All processes have both a beginning and an end—this is something I feel very clearly.

The sense that a certain process is coming to completion comes from within: that’s it, now it will end, it’s finishing now.

Fate as a Catalyst for Growth vs. Stagnation

Development is life, and life is development. If I am not developing, I am not living. Moreover, it’s as if fate itself pushes me to develop. Sometimes everything seems fine—work suits me, everything is good at home: a state of bliss, of pleasure—wonderful. And suddenly fate starts arranging some troubles—something happens at work that pushes you, or some problems arise at home—and then I know that I have stopped developing. That’s it, it means I need to do something; I’ve noticed this about myself. And my inner state is such that I want peace and calm. But peace leads to death—I understood that very clearly.

And when troubles happen in my life, I understand that I have stopped developing. When you live in a state of pleasure, it seems that everything is fine, but in reality, stopping is death.

Intuition, Mindset, and Influencing Reality

A premonition of events is the sensing of such states in the world that are bound to erupt into changes and lead to events. Negative changes can be avoided if one changes the states. This applies to the material world, the economy, and psychology.

Sometimes it seems to me that I can influence states. To do this, one must tune oneself to the desired event or state and want it very strongly. That is how wishes come true. Unfortunately, in a negative state, desires also lead to events that one subconsciously wants; therefore, it is very important to maintain a positive mood, feelings, and thoughts.

When one remains for a long time in a state of emotional pain, irritation, or disagreement with fate and with life, the body perceives this as a command for self-destruction, and illnesses begin, bad events are attracted into one’s own life and into the lives of loved ones. Therefore, for the common good, one must maintain the purity of feelings, thoughts, and desires.

Causal Analysis, Data-Gathering, and Empathy Through Understanding

Nothing is ever accidental. Everything follows from something. There is always a reason for what has happened. It’s not always possible to see it, because there may not be enough data, but there is always a cause for everything.

Analysis is ongoing all the time. I know that a person has committed some act. I don’t understand why. I ask them: who are their parents, where are they from, what have they been doing—everything. I put all this together, and then it becomes clear to me why they committed that act. Or what state they were in, what was happening to them, why they did it—that is, this analysis is constantly going on for me. Of course, when there is no information, there is nothing to analyze—it’s like floundering in a void, with nothing to hold on to. I need a lot of information.

Then it can all be structured and understood. It’s very important for me to understand why all this is happening, where it begins, what it starts from. I ask myself, “Why do you need this?” So that I can predict what will happen next.

If I know a person—especially if that person is part of my circle, my family, for example my daughter-in-law—it is very important for me to understand what kind of person she is, how she lived, how she was brought up. Because if I don’t understand, I might get angry with her. And I cannot be angry with her, because my son loves her. But if I understand why she acts the way she does, I can forgive her, accept her, and understand her. In order to forgive, you need to understand the person.

History, Art, and the Spirit of Time

In a single minute, many interesting thoughts can come, and you can feel so much. Time is what we feel, think, and do.

The spirit of the time. I really like walking around our Kremlin: when I go there, I feel that spirit of the time.

It seems to me that I can even see how people lived there at the time when the Kremlin was being built. Sometimes I suddenly imagine how battles took place there—how they climbed the walls, shot, returned fire. In the Kremlin, historical time can be felt.

I love the historical part of the city: walking along the streets with old, dilapidated buildings—there I feel that time. Then I understand that I live in a rich city, rich in historical events, and that is very important to me. Before, I lived in military towns—they are empty, there is no history there. And where it’s empty, it’s not interesting.

I really love looking at old paintings in museums. I immerse myself in that time. There is a person in the painting, belonging to some era. I try to look closely and understand what they felt, how they lived, their facial expression. Their lives were completely different from ours. It was harder then, harsher, more brutal. Perhaps simpler in some ways—we have more complexity now; there was also the animal world then, but the strongest survived. I look at paintings and think: if a person was painted, that means they were one of the best representatives of that time.

Literature: Facts, Emotional States, and Human Nature

I really love reading historical books. But preferably factual material, not invented. When I read Peter the Great as a child, I sincerely believed that everything happened exactly like that. And when I later read actual history and realized there was a lot of fabrication, I experienced deep disappointment. That’s why now I want to read documentarily accurate works, so that impressions are formed on the basis of correct facts.

I also love reading books that create comfortable states of mind. States are very important to me, and I like a light, pleasant state. Therefore, I find a pleasant book and can read it several times, because for me it is not information—it is a state. I enter into a state. As Pushkin once said: if you’re in a bad mood, “uncork a bottle of champagne and reread The Marriage of Figaro.”

I reread a good book, and my mood becomes good.

I remember from childhood: I read Jack London a great deal. After rereading one of his books, I felt such mobilization—I wanted to do everything. A person can do anything. That state of physical activity was transmitted to me very strongly, and I liked that state. I felt such mobilization: a person is capable of everything, will accomplish everything—just do it. And I began to do, do, and do. I understood that if you want to achieve something… I am as if under hypnosis when I read such books.

I love Tolstoy for the rich inner world and deep philosophy. It is pure delight to see how he uncovers the psychological motives behind people's actions and feelings. I feel a deep need to understand this—it feels like a revelation.

Dreams, Self-Realization, and Ideal Society

I love to daydream—in dreams, I rest. It is a state of flight and fantasy where everything is possible. Dreams often start with material things, like having a lot of money. But then I ask myself: "What would I actually do with it?"

My dreams always converge on creating smart jobs so people can earn a living, beautifying the city, and helping people overcome bad habits. I deeply want to explain to people how to live properly and why they face problems.

To live properly means to fulfill oneself—for everyone to realize their creative capabilities and innate potential. It breaks my heart to see children left uneducated, and adults who have lost the opportunity to learn—that feels like an absolute catastrophe.

My dream is to help each person understand themselves, remove their internal conflicts and blocks, and find fulfillment (even if I realize this might be a naive dream). In my ideal world, everyone works and lives in relational harmony—much like the utopian vision described by Campanella.

Psyche and Work

Work must meet the needs of the psyche; at the very least, it should not cause disgust and should bring in the necessary income. Work also provides an avenue for developing creative abilities.

Building Systems and the Need for Closure

I experience pure delight when I build a system. Entering a state of systematizing something brings a genuine sense of happiness.

There is another kind of happiness: the state of completing a process. I love finishing work—it is very important to me. If I am working and someone interrupts me so that I cannot finish on time, I get extremely angry. A task must be brought to completion. Once it is finished—that's it, the day was not lived in vain.

Pace of Work, Focus, and the Toll of Haste

I feel comfortable when I can work slowly in a relaxed state. Working slowly allows me to step back, observe more, analyze deeply, and notice details in what I am doing.

If the pace accelerates, my perception channel narrows sharply. I only catch what is immediately necessary, which demands immense strain on my body, psyche, and focus.

Concentration itself can be satisfying. But you notice less and fear making a mistake, which is unacceptable because it leads to redoing work.

Maintaining a fast pace requires intense physical and mental tightness. Holding this rhythm for long is exhausting—the subsequent recovery period takes so long that a single evening isn't enough, requiring an entire day in bed to recover.

Haste is a disaster because reason shuts down completely while nerves flare up. Uncontrolled emotions induce panic and fear, creating a loop where you can no longer process information. Now, with age, I have learned to adapt: if haste is required, I consciously switch my state into high concentration right away to stay in control.

Procrastination and the Physical Perception of Deadlines

In practical matters, ILI often procrastinate until the last moment. For example, a pension report is due by the end of February. January begins, and an internal pressure starts building: "Need to, need to, need to." A steady rhythm takes over inside—need to do it, need to do it—a persistent unrest. Conscience nags: "Come on, get moving, stop lingering."

I physically feel the time remaining until the end of the month—I sense how much is left as a tangible block of life, a physical block of time. When two weeks remain, that block shrinks. Sensing the quantity of time is almost a physical feeling.

Time, Energy, and Fair Compensation

I was looking for another job because I needed an extra six to seven thousand to live comfortably without stress. Of course, one could work more by sitting in an office all day, five days a week, but I believe that should cost around thirty thousand.

My perspective is: I spend my life on work, and my life has a specific worth. This is an internal certainty—I know what my work is worth. I feel my value at any given moment and what my time costs. And since my time is my life, that is why it costs what it does.

I always evaluate the ratio between time and money:

Financial Pragmatism, Realism, and Assessing Value

If someone proposes projects that seem unrealistic to me, I immediately begin calculating and see that it is impossible for specific, logical reasons. I see and understand all of this completely realistically.

For example, when starting a company, my approach is to calculate everything first: "Are you sure customers will actually come here?" I have a lot of pessimism regarding starting a business because I see so many factors that could go wrong. There is no blind euphoria like, "Let's just do it!" I will never rely on luck or hope for the best in anything.

Everything must be calculated, and a clear financial plan must be visible. The financial plan is the most important thing; without it, there is no point in doing anything at all.

ILIs have a finely tuned intuitive premonition of upcoming events. Shortly before an economic crisis, I felt a strong recurring urge to find a second job. I sensed I would run short on money—even though I felt lazy and loved working only two days a week. I kept urging myself: "Need to, need to!" I forced myself into the state of searching because I knew inside it was vital for my family.

When evaluating different companies, I step inside and try to gauge the collective atmosphere—my work mindset and success depend heavily on it. One workplace resonates with a sense of decay and decline. Another projects rigidity: strict surveillance, immaculate renovations, and rigid protocols.

If I receive plenty of information, I can predict upcoming events. Without data, I cannot predict anything. Yet, at times, I naturally sense artistic trends or capture ideas floating in the air long before they materialize.

Optimal States and Daily Energy Regulation

My most comfortable states are: a state of divine love for people and for the entire world; a state of bliss—I live, life is beautiful; I also really enjoy the state of working.

Inner states during the day, of course, change for many different reasons:

There are methods to lift one’s mood: a contrast shower—immediately the whole body starts to react and the mood changes; drinking coffee—things immediately feel better.

Vulnerability to External Pressure and Loss of Control

It is very important to live at one’s own pace, in one’s own state, because only I myself should change my state.

When people come with orders or aggressive pressure, it impacts me heavily and puts me in an instant stupor. I resist this external interference because I am trying to preserve my internal balance. For me, losing my state means losing control—my mind turns off, and I simply lose the ability to think clearly. Sometimes under pressure, I commit actions and later, upon returning to my senses, I cannot even comprehend why I did them.

When knocked out of my state, I am no longer myself. Negative emotions switch on, leading to self-destructive actions that I later view as foolish, impractical, and completely abnormal. While emotional states like euphoria can be pleasant, it is critical to maintain self-control; everything should ultimately be done with reason.

Boundaries, Aggression, and Emotional Regret

Hatred comes up when something unexpected happens that goes against my core values. For instance, when I realize someone is trying to use me—and doing it with this pushy, forceful pressure. I really dislike that. It triggers a feeling of anger toward the person and how they’re acting.

And when these negative emotions—hatred, anger—take over, my brain just shuts off. You end up saying awful things to the person—things you don't even actually mean. In the heat of the moment, you can say whatever, just all kinds of nasty stuff, and then you regret it later. It's tough, and it's better not to do it at all. Afterward, I just beat myself up over it.

Subconscious Anxiety and Intuition for Probabilities

Anxiety varies in depth. Sometimes it sits deep in the subconscious, causing an unexplained internal jitter before I even comprehend its source. I try to reason with myself: "What is this? Let's calm down and analyze."

However, intellectual analysis doesn't always reveal what internal intuition already knows. Many times, after feeling that subconscious anxiety, an unexpected event occurs, proving my gut feeling right. Other times, nothing happens—which I interpret as sensing a high probability of an event. The circumstances were aligned, and the threat existed, which was enough to trigger my internal alarm.

It’s the same with children. Anything can happen on the street at night. And just that possibility alone starts giving me the jitters, even when the child comes home and says everything was fine. I understand, but the possibility is still there, and that very possibility is already worrying me.

I get afraid often. My biggest fears are for my children, of course. My adult sons go out somewhere and don't come back for a long time. And that’s it. Inside, this sense of dread sets in that something terrible is going to happen. It’s a very bad state to be in. It’s completely useless. You destroy yourself, and you destroy your child's life too. I'm afraid of states of fear and hatred because they actually work: you destroy yourself through fear and hatred, and you bring harm to the person those emotions are directed at—it's pure darkness.

Guilt, Love, and Self-Responsibility

In the past, I constantly had a feeling of guilt. It would arise instantly and immediately. After my husband’s death, a very strong complex appeared: I was guilty of everything. No matter what anyone told me, I lived with this sense of guilt for several years; I tortured myself. This feeling of guilt kills. If I am guilty, then I am unworthy of living. My body understood the program and began to carry it out. Then illnesses appeared, troubles began in everything around me. I had serious problems with my child: I raised him this way, it’s my fault, I’m guilty of everything. I must help him, I must fix everything. Guilt is the reverse side of love. I love him—and I am guilty of what happens to him.

What’s interesting is that I feel guilt toward my loved ones. Toward work, even if I make mistakes and understand that I am not perfect—well, that’s life—no feeling of guilt arises.

Earlier, when I was younger, foolish, and talked too much, I could blurt out someone else’s secret. By what right! Then a feeling of guilt would arise. I always take all the blame upon myself, no matter what happens, even though I understand intellectually that this is wrong.

Energy, Nature, and the Power of the Elements

In nature, I also find harmony and calm, but I don't like staying in that passive state for long—monotony becomes boring. That is probably why I love the rampage of the elements. I love a storm; I feel its powerful energy and get recharged by it.

In my youth, I loved swimming in the sea during a storm, feeling exhilaration as waves lifted me up. I could swim in the sea for hours without tiring, whereas a swimming pool gets boring very quickly due to its monotony.

People are an element, too. When approaching a big city from a quiet place, you feel a powerful energy—a humming in your head like a transformer, a sense of delight, and a premonition of new events.

Physical Labor, Sensory Awareness, and Gardening

I enjoy working in the garden. I set a goal for myself—for instance, to dig a garden bed—and I do it calmly and systematically.

In doing so, I start to feel my body and my joints. It feels wonderful because I finally feel my body. When I am at rest and doing nothing, I don't feel my body, and that doesn't feel like living either. But when I am in the garden planting things, I experience a state of pleasant fatigue, which is a very satisfying feeling.

Taste, Overeating, and the Pursuit of Sensory Comfort

I love eating delicious food to feel my body. However, I tend to overeat because I don't feel a sense of fullness. As the saying goes: "Once you start eating, don't forget to stop."

Once I start tasting the food, I want more, but I don't register satiety. My son tells me, "Mom, track the time! In half an hour, you'll feel that fullness," but I just can't hold myself back.

It is very difficult to restrain myself. I crave the pleasant physical sensations experienced while eating—like drinking hot tea with something sweet. It creates a state of pure bliss and relaxation where everything feels so good.

When I work with my mind, I don't feel my body at all.

Somatization, Suggestibility, and Health Fears

If someone tells me about an illness, I immediately tune into that condition.

Once, a male colleague had a heart attack and described in great detail how his blood vessels became clogged with cholesterol plaques and how his health gradually deteriorated. Immediately, my own heart started hurting, and I felt dizzy. I felt as though my blood vessels weren't letting blood through, so I rushed to the doctor saying, "My vessels are completely blocked!" The doctor told me, "Stop diagnosing yourself. Your blood vessels are in excellent, clean condition." He explained that the darkening before my eyes was caused by fear.

It was a nervous fear that I was dying, mixed with panic for my children and how I would leave them. As soon as the doctor reassured me that I was healthy, my headaches and vision problems disappeared entirely. Once I was told I was healthy, the fear left, and I was fine.

Another time, my boss returned from France, where they had drunk a lot of red wine, and for some reason, his nose was constantly bleeding. He gave me a ride home and told me all about how they tried to cauterize it to no avail. As soon as I got home, my nose started bleeding too.

They say that fears are subconscious desires. The body perceives strong emotions as a command or desire—it doesn't differentiate between positive and negative inputs. If it senses a strong emotion, like guilt or intense fear, it reacts with illness. Giving positive suggestions—that you will be healthy, young, and beautiful—needs to be tested, of course.

Health as the Ultimate Priority

Physical health is also essential for the quality of life. It is necessary to eat properly, move, and do physical work—but without overloading or breaking the body.

<...> ILIs carry deep fears regarding their health. A sick body represents the end of life; the body simply must be healthy. The fear of losing health is far scarier than the fear of losing a job.

There was a period when I worked constantly to realize myself, working day and night. Suddenly, I started experiencing heart problems and felt unwell. That was it! I left for a small firm and began working from home. Health is the most important thing to me—it is my life—how could I exist without health?! I feel my body rather weakly in general, but if it screams for help, I drop everything to address it.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina