What subjective facts are and how they help resolve conflicts

One of the biggest issues in interpersonal disputes and conflicts is the attempt to rationalize and justify positions. The logic goes: "If you just explain why you want or don't want something, we can somehow make an objective decision."

The problem with this approach is that you end up giving your opponent the power to decide what should be important, valuable, or appealing to you. And people, by nature, tend to downplay your wants and needs. After all, charity begins at home—their own feelings will always matter more to them.

For instance, in my case study library (drop a like and I’ll share a list of scenarios for us to break down here), there’s a situation where a girl who recently found faith hung an icon in the bedroom. Her boyfriend came home and lost his mind a little because he’s a hardcore atheist.

In my classes, people constantly hit the exact same dead end: "But why don't you like it?" or "Why is it so important to you that it hangs right here?" This is a blatant highway to nowhere. It happens because people confuse objective facts with subjective facts.

Ultimately, this path leads to one of two outcomes: either the couple has a massive blowout and achieves absolutely nothing, or one person steamrolls the other, leaving the latter harboring deep resentment. Success, in a nutshell.

A subjective fact is a fact rooted entirely in your emotions, feelings, and personal experience. It can be true for you while being completely untrue for someone else. You cannot objectively measure or evaluate it. You cannot verify it by running an experiment on another human being. It is simply a fact about your personality and your inner world.

For example, I hate raisins. That is a fact. I absolutely can't stand them. Why? Just because. That should be a fully sufficient answer for you. I will never be able to explain or justify my dislike to a raisin fanatic. For every single point I make, they will find a counterargument that satisfies them, but not me. What is even the point of such an argument?

The core idea is that once I recognize what a subjective fact is, I can draw a line and stop explaining myself. Because the moment I start explaining, I am handing over something for evaluation that only I have the right to evaluate. And that is exactly what triggers conflicts.

That’s why sometimes you shouldn't explain what you are feeling or experiencing. Doing so can actually backfire and drag you even deeper into the conflict.

Sometimes, it is entirely enough to state that you find something unpleasant, uncomfortable, or that you simply don’t like it—because that is your reality. And it only needs to be true for you. Anyone else can feel completely different about it, but this is how it is for you. Other people shouldn’t try to force you to change; instead, they need to figure out how to reach an agreement based on these given baseline facts.

Don't try to cross-examine someone on why they don't like an icon in the middle of the bedroom, or exactly how their aesthetic taste was offended. Instead, accept it as a fact and negotiate a different format of interaction. For example, discuss what gets hung where in the apartment, and how personal versus shared zones are used. Otherwise, you're just acting like toddlers.

This approach yields significantly better results. How do I know? Well, because I literally broke down this exact case on a call and mapped out a mind map for it. Plus, the recording of the session where we dissect this map is available in our private community.

Long story short: instead of agonizing over fights, you’re much better off spending an hour drawing up a discussion or negotiation plan, practicing it, and saving yourself from losing your mind in endless drama.