Elena T. (ILI) — A Life Lived Calmly

Early Temperament and Family Environment

I was a quiet, calm child. I remember that when we visited relatives, they would give me a box of dolls, and I would quietly play with them—so much so that I could neither be seen nor heard. I felt comfortable that way. My parents are also calm by nature. I don’t remember being scolded harshly, and I certainly don’t remember anyone shouting at me, although I was sometimes made to stand in the corner as punishment.

Formative Memories of Misunderstanding

My earliest and most difficult memory is from kindergarten. During a walk, the teacher asked me to bring a chair from the group room. But there, a strict nanny intercepted me and locked me in as punishment. Later, the teacher was puzzled as to why I didn’t say that I had simply been carrying out her request.

There was another incident. Once in the countryside, while I was playing in the sand, some girl buried my sandal. I couldn’t find it and ran home barefoot. I was so upset—why would she do that when I hadn’t offended her at all? But my grandmother laughed and said I should have fought back.

Academic Strengths and Learning Style

At school, math came easily to me. Solving problems and working through theorems was more interesting than speaking or writing essays. I usually just memorized texts because retelling them in my own words was very difficult for me. As for essays, I often didn’t even turn them in.

I also mostly ignored the literature curriculum at school. I didn’t like and didn’t know how to evaluate characters or express my opinion about them. Much later, I rediscovered all those books I had missed. I always preferred listening to speaking. Probably, as a young child, I should not only have been given books but also asked what I thought about them and who I liked and why.

Relationship with Authority and Teachers

Teachers were authorities for me, but if I was 100% sure I was right (especially in math-related subjects), I would stand my ground. If I wasn’t prepared for a lesson, it was easier for me to admit it, because otherwise I would get completely lost in my answers and wouldn’t even understand obvious hints.

Attitudes Toward Competition and Sports

I really disliked competitions because I was never the first, and when I lost, I felt weak, clumsy, and guilty for letting others down. However, when it was something I was good at, it didn’t feel as upsetting. For example, I enjoyed playing pioneerball, though again in a friendly, casual yard setting. I think that if I had trained more seriously in sports, it would have given me more confidence.

Connection to Animals

I always loved animals, although I didn’t have any pets. But after a calf once lashed out at me, I realized it was better to love them from a distance. They say I used to go with my grandfather to a horse farm (I don’t remember myself at that age—I think I was about three). But later, after finishing technical school, I took up horseback riding.

Early Friendships and Influences

Until the upper grades, one of my best friends was a mischievous boy from my class. He copied from me and protected me from other boys. Around sixth grade, I was friends with an adventurous girl. She would drag me all over the city to various clubs and activities. Thanks to her, I got to know the city. My mother worried about this friendship, of course, but at the time I couldn’t understand why.

As a child, I was quite reserved. I remember once some friends came over—one of them upset with the other. For some reason, I remember this well; we were already in the upper grades. One of them said, “It’s fun to have a good time with Larisa, but it’s good to talk things out with you. You talk it out, and everything is forgotten.” In other words, you could cry with me, but I probably wasn’t someone to share joy with. I preferred books—sitting and reading. I didn’t really make noise or fool around with classmates.

When communicating, I look people in the eyes and perceive more of an overall impression of the person, some kind of “wave” or vibe.

Sometimes people open up to me, in the sense that they smile—and I take that as “I’m glad to see you.” But I don’t immediately move to close distance. I just feel that there is no rejection. That they are not pushing me away.

In many situations, I tend to avoid people. Sometimes I feel indifference, or someone turns away, or tries to put me down—and then I feel rejection.

I don’t initiate contact. It’s hard for me to open up. If necessary, I will make contact. For example, if I live in a shared apartment and new people move in, I inevitably have to start talking to them, at least to understand who they are. There have been cases when I approached first, but I needed to observe them for a while beforehand, to see how they behave.

Internal Struggles: Guilt and the Difficulty of Self-Defense

I have many fears, and I often see the world through a negative lens. Probably my biggest problem is that I don’t know how to stand up for myself (although I did have to stand up for my younger sisters). I could easily put myself in another person’s place and understand and accept their actions, which made it almost impossible for me to blame them.

If I felt guilty about something, that feeling would weigh heavily on me. If someone started shouting at me, I would shut down and stop thinking altogether. I almost always kept silent.

I did what I believed was right and necessary, but I couldn’t explain my actions.

Response to Noise and Strong Emotions

People are different. Noisy people make me more tense. If people simply do their work, help others, maybe even just with a smile, encourage others, and are calm—they affect me more positively than restless, loud people. Noisy people stress me out.

My attitude toward emotions: if someone close to me is emotional, I can accept it. I know how they will behave and what’s behind it. But the emotions of strangers irritate me. I’ve often noticed that, for example, on a bus, if a group starts having fun, it makes me tense. I immediately want to calm them down. If they become too loud and excited, I feel uneasy—why are they having so much fun? It’s unclear what’s behind it and what might come next. Although, if I think about it, maybe they’re just having fun after a theater show, a circus, or a birthday. They feel good and aren’t planning anything bad. Maybe that’s all it is.

It’s just that sometimes I don’t understand why people are having fun.

I myself rarely feel strong emotions. A child like me needs to be told that when people are having fun, nothing bad will follow. Such a child may feel tense in an emotional atmosphere, not understanding what to expect.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina