Marina V. (LSI) - The Inner World of an Anxious, Observant, and Material Child

The Need for Confidence and Soft Guidance

A child must feel confident in their actions, knowing they are doing, saying, and behaving correctly. Without this confidence, they will suffer, thinking, "It’s my fault, I did it wrong..." Conscience prevents them from doing bad things. This sense of confidence must be provided by elders, parents, and those closest to them.

Personally, I always wanted—not necessarily to be praised, as praise actually makes me a bit self-conscious—but to be seen as a "good girl" who does everything the right way. I wanted adults, especially my close family (mom, dad, grandma), to explain things to me: "You shouldn't do this, it's wrong, it goes against certain norms." This should always be said in a kind, warm tone and backed up with logical reasoning.

The Power of Explaining "Why"

If you simply tell a child, "You can't do that!", they might accept the rule, but it is vital that they understand why it is forbidden. You cannot just say "no" and leave it at that; you must explain the reason so they can truly grasp and internalize it. They need to know the "why."

Otherwise, if an outsider comes along and says, "Why can't you? Of course you can!", the child’s entire understanding of what is allowed will fall apart. They won't be able to explain themselves, stand their ground, or justify their actions if they find themselves in a bad or questionable situation.

Constructive Correction vs. Harsh Criticism

If adults see a child doing something wrong and snap, "You're doing it wrong, what on earth are you doing?", the child instantly internalizes this as "I am bad."

For example, imagine a child is mopping the floor but leaving dirt in the corners. The right approach is to say kindly and gently:

"Look, there's still some dust and dirt left in the corners. If we don't wipe it away, it will spread to the clean areas, everything will get dirty faster, and we'll have to clean all over again. Let me show you how to do it, and then you can do it yourself."

This approach doesn't offend. In fact, corrections should never be hurtful; otherwise, the child feels defective and starts blaming themselves.

If it is said harshly—"What is wrong with you? Can't you see the dirt in the corners? What is this?"—the child will feel terrible inside. They will think, "I'm bad, I'm unwanted, something is wrong with me." Their conscience will torment them, they will withdraw, or they might sniffle with tears in their eyes while the adults have already forgotten about it, completely unaware of the deep distress they caused.

The Pain of Emotional Distance and Unjust Punishment

A child suffers deeply when they are unfairly hurt, hit, or shut out. For me, the absolute worst punishment was when my mother would suddenly stop talking to me. I knew it was a punishment for something, but it felt unbearable. I honestly felt it would have been better if she had just hit me.

You need to explain logically where the child went wrong: what happened, why, and what the results and consequences might be. You can tell a child, "You didn't understand me, you hurt my feelings," but it must be said normally, without shouting or humiliation. Shouting and pressure are terrible; they cut deep. Pressure, orders, humiliation, and screaming are completely unacceptable.

Sometimes a child doesn't even understand why they are being scolded. Their inside is trembling, but they are in total confusion. They won't necessarily blame themselves; instead, they experience a complete lack of understanding, feeling unjustly hurt and insulted. Unjust insult is a truly frightening thing.

However, if you prove to a child logically that they are wrong, they will realize it. Parents can then agree with them that it won't happen again because of specific consequences. When handled this way, everything turns out fine, and the child will do anything for that adult just to maintain a warm, close relationship.

Longing for a Complete Family

Children like this are highly dependent on the opinions of authority figures. For me, that authority was my grandmother. My father left us when I was three years old. I wanted him to be with us so badly—it was my deepest, most intense wish. I often imagined all of us holding hands, dancing, and singing around a huge Christmas tree.

The tree was grand, and there were so many of us: mom, dad (always), both grandmothers, and grandfather. A big circle around the tree, but dad had to be there. I missed him terribly. It went so far that since my kindergarten was near the house where my father lived, I insisted on walking home. It wasn’t because I liked passing by the pastry and ice cream shops to beg for treats—not at all. I just loved walking past my dad's house. My mom would hold my hand, but I would break free and run toward his building. Sometimes they caught me; sometimes I managed to get away.

For a child like this, having a complete family is incredibly important. The atmosphere of a united, harmonious home provides immense strength.

Trust, Mentorship, and Seeing the World in Black and White

I shared a deep friendship with my grandmother; we had the exact kind of relationship I am describing. The only thing was that she could be a bit sharp at times, and occasionally she would yell at me unfairly, but she always knew how to smooth things over, and we would come to an understanding. We had a magnificent relationship until I was fifteen; I shared absolutely everything with her. I could even pass on a bit of gossip.

A child like this won't open up to just anyone. But if they have a close person they respect, someone who is an authority to them, it is wonderful. The adult must truly listen. I would tell my grandmother about my relationship with my mom, about school, and she would explain things, comment on them, and interpret life for me—in essence, she was raising me.

Sometimes, in social interactions, I just feel good around a person and can't explain why. Other times, I feel awkward and uncomfortable, as if something is tense, but I can't put my finger on it.

For a very long time, relationships for me were strictly "black and white"—someone was either good or bad. Nuances and shades of gray were difficult for me to grasp. If I didn't understand someone, I simply didn't interact with them; they were "black" to me, and I walked away.

If I respect someone, they are a good person in my eyes. My attitude is: they are good because they are close to me. I will accept them, I respect them, and that's it. I will never label anyone as bad, vile, or nasty. If I don't understand them or their actions, I will simply distance myself. If they talk about things I don't understand, use profanity in every sentence, discuss unpleasant things, or tell inappropriate jokes, they are just not my kind of person. I won't call them a terrible or lazy person; I just won't find common ground with them, and there is no need to look for it.

The Power of Encouragement

When a child does something, like washing the dishes or any other chore, they need validation from adults. If they are noticed and praised, they will try even harder.

I remember when I was twelve and would visit my grandmother, she was always so pleased with my help. She would praise me, and I would suddenly do everything in a rush: wash all the laundry, haul water from the well, try to cook, and write down recipes. My grandmother loved it. It was pure joy for her to see me so involved and absorbing her life experience. She felt that I needed that praise, she gave it to me, and it made me run around and do even more.

Adults must teach the child about people. He needs to know that adults can speak with different intonations, have different facial expressions, and that relationships can be complex. If someone seems irritated, it doesn't automatically mean they are mad at you; they might just be in a bad mood, and you happened to catch them at the wrong moment.

Children need to be explicitly told this because they might not correctly interpret a look or a glance. For instance, if a grumpy neighbor stops by, even if she is a perfectly good person, the child might take her irritation personally and start avoiding her.

LSI dislikes rudeness, yelling, and negative emotions; he will avoid them and act with caution. He will become slightly suspicious of such a person. However, if he already knows the person well and they happen to yell, he understands it wasn't out of malice; he won't be afraid, he won't shrink away, and everything will be fine.

Analyzing People and Seeking the "Why"

Sometimes family members or coworkers gossip or "chew the fat" about others. On the flip side, this is actually a way of analyzing people and their actions, which LSI finds quite interesting. Teaching a child like this to find the good in people is incredibly important.

When I lived with my grandmother, a neighbor would come over, everyone would gather on the courtyard bench cracking sunflower seeds, and gossiping about all the other neighbors was an absolute ritual. I perceived this as an analysis, an evaluation, and a discussion of people’s behavior. They talked about everything—the good and the bad. For some reason, I never memorized the bad things, so it never stamped the person with a permanent "bad" label.

In life, LSI constantly runs a mental analysis of people and their choices. He doesn’t just judge an action as good or bad; he searches for the underlying cause of the behavior. That is what truly interests him.

First and foremost, he tracks how those around him treat him, his loved ones, and his family. Next, he observes how people (relatives, acquaintances, friends) live their lives in general; their relationships with others are also tracked and mentally logged. He notes their behavior, social standing, and financial matters—where they work, what position they hold, and what they do. This is done because he immediately considers how this person might be resourceful or helpful with work or in other situations down the line.

Material status is heavily scrutinized: what kind of car they drive, what their apartment is like, what neighborhood they live in, and where their summer house is located. For LSI, these are the markers that reveal where a person stands on the social hierarchy. All of this must be organized in his head into a single, cohesive system and locked into memory. He will use this information in the future to solve his own practical problems.

Financial Security as a Foundation

Money is extremely important to me. Even back in school, when I was given money for lunch, I would set some aside and save it. Accumulating money is a personal quirk of mine. This childhood habit of hoarding money started as early as the first grade. As soon as cash touched my hands, I consciously realized that I needed it. There was always a strong urge to economize and save.

Money isn't the ultimate goal here; what matters is having a financial safety net. If there is no money at all, everything feels terrible, the ground slides out from under my feet, and everyone around me will suffer the consequences because I'll snap, argue, and take my anxiety out on them.

Of course, in childhood, it was only twenty kopecks for lunch, but it didn't matter. If my grandfather gave me money for ice cream, it was by no means a given that I would run out and buy it right away—no way! I would pocket those twenty kopecks. That’s just how it was, and no one was allowed to touch it. Once, when we were riding the bus, my mom said, "Give me some change for the fare." I handed it over, but very reluctantly. A child like this is a person of the material world; everything in the material environment interests them.

The Desire for Beauty and Appearance

I loved dressing up for as long as I can remember. I loved makeup, too. The moment my mother would leave the house and accidentally forget her lipstick, it was game over for that lipstick—I absolutely had to put it on. I would get in trouble for it, but I just couldn't help myself.

It was vital for me to feel beautiful. They used to tell me, "Why are you staring in the mirror? You need to do your homework." In reality, I was a straight-A student. They wouldn't even let me cut my long braid, but I went ahead and cut it anyway. It felt like a revolutionary conquest. It became a matter of principle: I had asked several times and was denied, so I had to take matters into my own hands. They hadn't consulted me or suggested, "Let's get you a nice haircut."

An adult must notice a child’s desire to look beautiful. When I was in school, I was told that doing homework should always come before worrying about my appearance. But I loved dressing up. Aside from my school uniform, I needed something to wear to the theater. Children grow fast; I outgrew yet another dress and kept agonizing over how to tell my mother we needed to buy a new one, knowing there was no money in the family. I suffered in silence, yet I desperately wanted to ask her. School break was coming up, I had to go to the theater, and I had nothing to wear. Back then, the only backup option if you didn't have a dress was to wear your brown school uniform with a white apron, and I absolutely hated that idea. I always noticed what everyone else was wearing. Always.

Sensitivity to Guilt and Over-Responsibility

Is it worth trying to guilt-trip a child like this or play on their conscience? I don't think so, because they take everything very deeply to heart.

If a mistake happens and I am to blame, I will admit it immediately. In fact, even if it’s not a mistake but just a minor flaw, and it isn't your fault at all but simply a result of the circumstances, the LSI might still take the blame for other people's mistakes. He is ready to shoulder almost everything, and taking responsibility comes naturally to him.

If a mother says, "How could you...?", the child suffers immensely. They torment themselves, drown in self-blame, and feel absolutely terrible—as if it's the end of the world. They lose sleep, have anxious nightmares, and just feel wretched.

The Need for Certainty and Predictability

You cannot keep a child like this in the dark or in a state of uncertainty. If you are planning a trip somewhere and the child doesn't know what to expect, they will start overthinking. If the people involved aren't very close and he doesn't fully trust them, doubts will creep in. He will worry if there is a catch, or if someone is trying to set him up. That nagging feeling—"I am doing the wrong thing, the wrong way"—will not leave him.

He needs to be told exactly where you are going, who will be there, the itinerary, and what people will be doing.

Unpredictable or unfamiliar people stress him out the most. To him, unfamiliar people are those who haven't interacted with him or have ignored him—people he naturally avoids, which is why he won't want to go. If his wishes are ignored and he is forced to go anyway, he will completely withdraw into himself and quietly suffer.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina