Irina D. (2) (SEE)

My life is quite hectic. My days go in such a way that plans fall apart in an instant and events flip one hundred and eighty degrees. I plan one trip, then get a call — I turn around and go in the opposite direction. I arrive somewhere and realize I forgot the paperwork, so I drive back to the other end of the city. I get there and remember that I didn’t take all the papers — so I go again. I’m constantly running around like crazy.

At school I could put textbooks in my bag for the wrong day entirely, or mix up the day itself. Like someone bitten — during the break I’d dash out, change the textbooks, and then race back to school.

Turning around one hundred and eighty degrees — no problem, and at the same time forgetting to call the person I originally ran to see, or to warn them that I’m running late.

I have no restraint at all, even though I don’t like unprepared actions. I don’t need much time to prepare. But when you’re checking what you need to take, talking on the phone, watching TV, answering your husband, chasing your daughter — all at the same time… naturally, you end up missing or forgetting something...

Sometimes I make plans, sit down and write them point by point. I write them in the evening — and can’t find them in the morning. I don’t really need order anyway, I just need to get everything done somehow!

<...> I love driving. I drive very fast, sharply. I love fast driving. Fast! Sharp! I used to rush around like crazy at all times.

My day goes by at an impossibly fast pace. Today I drove from the upper part of the city to the lower part six times. Buying soil for flowers, going to a company to sign a contract, rushing to the bank, then to another company to deliver a letter. So by evening I’m sometimes just completely exhausted.

Today I ran into shopping mall. I was racing around the entire store with a cart, making laps around the aisles, looking for what I needed. On the way I’d grab a T-shirt for my daughter, a terry sheet for my husband, something else… Then I stop, stand there, look at all that, and ask myself: “Why did I come here? For soil. Put everything back!” That’s how I am — I see something: “Oh wow!” — and put it in the cart. First I grab things, and only later start realizing what I’m doing. This goes in, that goes in... So, I put everything back in place and dashed off for the soil. I needed twenty 20-liter bags of lawn soil.

I’m very impulsive, the frenzy is exhausting. I’m tired of myself. I can’t slow myself down, I have no patience at all.

If an obstacle arises on the way to a goal, I very easily turn toward the obstacle and overcome it.

Some people freeze, but I keep going, moving forward. You can’t stop — it drains strength and wastes time. Always forward. Obstacles spur me on.

I can sleep in late, but if something unusual happens, I can get up at six in the morning without an alarm and rush to solve problems.

In extreme situations I may be briefly confused for a split second, but then I immediately organize and mobilize people: who to call, where to run.

I’m not particularly afraid of risky ventures. If there’s adventurism, risk — that’s my thing, excluding crime. Of course, I always have some fear. Sometimes I realize something could be dangerous, but I think: “We’ll make it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained!” Sometimes people are scared, but I take the risk. I do try to consult smart people, of course…

If a SEE grows up a loved, self-sufficient child — they will be more or less calm and confident. All our desires to show how cool we are come from insecurity. I’m a coward — I’m afraid to get into a fight; I make every diplomatic effort to avoid it.

I avoid direct confrontations, I fear physical blows, I fear being hit. You try to avoid direct collisions by all possible and impossible means, but if you can’t, you get punched, and then you stop caring, brakes come off: “I’ll die before I surrender!”

Rarely will a SEE strike first. One thought in the head: “I might kill him — what if I hit wrong and kill him?!” When you get older and gain experience — someone had their eye knocked out, someone got a concussion — you look at all that and think: “Damn, that could have happened to me!” SEEs fear bodily harm.

Once my friend and I were walking home from a bar. A drunk guy started harassing us. He began waving his arms, trying to fight. I realized nothing good would come of it. I can strongly sense dangerous situations where you need to jump into the fight: someone starts hitting me, my knees shake, black spots appear before my eyes, and I’m ready to kill. I shake all over, my hands tremble… But if I see danger and there’s a chance to run — I’ll run.

Well, in that state I kicked that man all over. A rare event for me, horror in the dark.

I don’t need things everyone has. Here’s a story about a friend and me, when we both showed up in green dresses at a restaurant for her birthday. She had only two dresses, but I had choices. I called her and said: “Lena, if you wear the green one, I’ll wear something else.” And since I have green eyes, I always wanted to wear a green dress. I had a beautiful, dark green, lush-green dress. She said: “Go ahead and wear the green one.” I come to the restaurant — Lena is sitting there in a green dress.

And I came with a briefcase. I went to the restroom, took another dress out of the briefcase, changed, and came out — they all nearly fainted. If someone next to me is wearing the same outfit as I am, my mood instantly sours. Her stunt made me feel terrible; I barely recovered. I had asked her... I could have strangled her!

I definitely want to look good: a cooler car, a good watch, diamonds. I love diamonds. Very much! I have good ones — I mean, worthy ones.

It’s important for me to have prosperity. There should be enough money so that I can afford to buy whatever I want. And I always want something.

When I go shopping, I can spend everything in my wallet. If something catches my eye — I take it immediately. I leave the grocery store with a full cart.

People used to always come to me for "heart-to-heart" talks about life. I’ll listen to someone if they truly need it. I can always lend an ear, but not always for long. These things are starting to wear me out. Sometimes girlfriends would come over to talk and ask for advice. You speak, you give advice, but then they don't do it or don't even want to grasp the point. People who just want to talk nonsense or talk aimlessly irritate me.

I start to fade; I lose interest. I do feel sorry for people sometimes; I empathize with them. I can even cry out of pity.

Most often, they come to figure out their relationships or to cry on my shoulder. Usually, I can tell them the outlook of their relationship. I’m good at deconstructing relationships: who is into whom, for what reason, and why.

I know how to make people fall for me. The main thing is, "there must be courage and fire in your eyes!" When there’s no fire, no one follows. But then, the spark appears! That spark is probably in my genes, in my subconscious. You behave differently depending on the situation. But if I need a man, if he catches my interest, I will absolutely win his favor.

If I'm interested in the dynamics between people, I only have to look at them—they don't even need to speak. I can see it in their eyes: the way someone looked at another—I catch that look instantly. I immediately determine what’s going on in that relationship. I suppose my own eyes can change, too; I can change my expression at will.

If I need to negotiate or agree on something with someone, I rarely fail. I usually show up with tokens of appreciation: chocolates, champagne, coffee, or good tea. Once, I needed to get a favorable work decision from a certain lady.

Inside, I wasn't sure things would go my way, but my "acting mode" switched on automatically. I asked her—she refused. Inside, I started searching—how do I approach this?!

I began to look for an opening. I thought, "Should I squeeze out a tear, or try something else?"

I started working on my face—maybe I look sick, maybe I'm turning pale; I don't know, but it starts working. "I won't survive it if you refuse me," I told her. "I'm having a heart attack right now," and I started rolling my eyes. "I'm going to die right here in front of you!"

She believed me. And this lady was no pushover—you couldn't fool her easily. "Alright, let's figure something out!" she said.

Hierarchy has never existed for me, and it still doesn't. I don't "feel" that someone is a boss. The main thing is that a person is good and worthy of respect; it doesn't matter if they are a janitor or a director. Just behave normally—without rudeness or belittling others.

When people explain things, it's hard for me to listen for a long time. My attention drifts during tedious explanations. Irritation sets in. Everything inside me starts to boil. I stop listening. In those cases, my reaction depends on who is in front of me. I might cut them off or bark, "Alright, that’s enough!" Or I might be soft: "Yes, yes, I get it"—and I’ll just sit and endure it. I get nervous if I don't understand anything—it’s a nightmare!

Sometimes I might say, "Excuse me, let's keep it simpler." From some people, I just walk away.

In class, I sit with my friends: the teacher explains, I listen with one ear, and if they suddenly say something interesting, I put on a "smart face" and listen as long as it's interesting. If they start going too deep into the explanation, I tune out and do my own thing. If they call on me and give me a "D," I don't care: a "D" is a "D," I'll fix it, no big deal! I was a very good student, straight A's. If I heard it in class, I wouldn't study at home.

I respect smart people; I’ve listened to them my whole life. I have a hard time absorbing highly specific technical information. My father was very smart and very kind. If people are saying smart things in my presence, I put on a smart face.

I have a certain "drive" (or pressure); I can present things in a way that people don't doubt me. Even if I don't know the subject very well, I can deliver information so effectively that rarely can anyone resist it.