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Anna Kiryanova — Should You Respond to Insult

Hello, Dear Friends!

So, it is I once again, philosopher and psychologist Anna Valentinovna Kiryanova. By popular demand, today we are going to talk about how to respond to an insult and whether you even need to respond at all.

Let us start with what an insult actually is. First and foremost, an insult is the intentional humiliation of a person's honor and dignity. The key word here is intentional. In other words, it seems you cannot really insult someone by accident—intent is always present.

Insults have a terrible impact on our psycho-emotional state. They strip away our psychological defenses, leave us vulnerable, and can trigger serious illness or deep depression. When put in the position of being insulted, a person can feel their well-being deteriorate in a relatively short amount of time.

This is an important topic: why, for what reason, and who insults? It is worth noting that the Trojan War itself began because King Agamemnon insulted the hero Achilles. And Achilles did not hold back either: he called the king a dog, a devourer of people, a drunkard, and a freak. He used a vast spectrum of insults to wound the king. As a consequence, a massive war broke out, claiming countless lives.

We must admit that insults are a very complex issue. On one hand, the philosopher Plato advised responding to them. He believed that a true orator should be able to return an insult to its sender with a brief and witty remark. We must remember how arrows, when hitting a solid object, rebound back toward the ones who shot them.

Unfortunately, we cannot always respond to an insult adequately. We are not always capable of quickly gathering our thoughts to deliver a sharp, cutting retort and put the abuser in their place. In theory, that is the most ideal scenario.

Indeed, you should respond. Moreover, for a very long time, it was believed that if a person failed to respond to an insult when they had the chance, they humiliated themselves. Such a person could be asked to leave their regiment, barred from decent homes, or ignored at social gatherings and balls. It was seen as allowing oneself to be dishonored by failing to take action or challenge the offender to a duel.

Among many peoples, an insult could only be washed away with blood. This may be a terrible custom, but there is a grain of truth to it. It was not for nothing that Plato wrote that man differs from a mute animal. He thanked the gods for creating him as a human being endowed with reason and speech, capable of standing up for his good name and defending his personal boundaries against the attacks of ill-wishers.

But, I repeat, this is not always possible. Often, the insulted person feels completely bewildered and empty inside because nothing comes to mind at the right moment. They cannot respond adequately, and later they suffer and overthink it.

In fact, many great figures suffered and overthrew things in their minds just the same. The witty comebacks they allegedly used to instantly parry an offender's jabs rarely came to mind on time, even for the smartest and sharpest individuals. As a rule, they came up with the perfect response long after the fact. And the public, of course, believed it, laughed, and repeated those jokes.

Looking back at history, it is clear that many insults were entirely groundless. As a rule, they are always linked to envy and the ill will we provoke in the offender through our own superiority. Therein lies the root cause. People insult most often when we are at their mercy, when they know for certain that we cannot fire back, and they revel in it.

Scientists have noted that in those who love to insult others (such as internet trolls), the pleasure center of the brain lights up—following the exact same mechanism as sadists. They derive immense pleasure from insulting people and trying to hurt them as deeply as possible. Just as a psychopath experiences pleasure from torturing a victim, these people celebrate a triumph once they manage to cut you to the quick.

It is worth noting that you can insult someone not only with words—you can insult them through action or inaction. Lidiya Chukovskaya, a friend of Anna Akhmatova, rightly wrote:

"An intelligent person always offends intentionally."

As we have established, insults are always deliberate.

Once, Anna Akhmatova invited Lidiya Chukovskaya over. Chukovskaya arrived in freezing weather, having abandoned her household chores and her sick child because she loved Akhmatova dearly, wanted to be of use to her, and thought something urgent had happened. She overcame numerous obstacles just to get there. Yet, Akhmatova put on her coat and hat and said, "It's time for me to run some errands. I completely forgot that I invited you," and walked out.

After that, Chukovskaya cut off contact. She stopped interacting with Anna Akhmatova. She felt no malice, but she experienced a heavy emotional shock, a sense of pain, suffering, and resentment. For ten years, she did not speak to the poetess. Years later, Akhmatova was forced to seek Chukovskaya's help. Their relationship resumed, but it certainly never regained that element of love and devoted, loyal friendship that had been present initially.

Or take Mikhail Zoshchenko, who describes a childhood incident in his book. He went to visit his grandmother, and his step-grandfather clearly disliked little Misha. While ladling out soup, the grandfather asked, "Should I give you some soup?" Misha replied, "Just a bit." Looking right at him, the grandfather deliberately let exactly one drop fall onto the plate and stared at the boy.

It was clearly an intentional insult. As Zoshchenko wrote: "I didn't want to visit my grandmother anymore. And I didn't suffer when that step-grandfather vanished from our lives." This is a prime example of an insult without words, driven purely by actions—actions that are entirely deliberate and designed to degrade a person's dignity.

Hidden Insults in Daily Life

This is how people can deliberately insult you within the family or at work:

These are all intentional insults carried out with a single purpose—to cause suffering. There is no need to respond to them verbally because, well, how can you? In such cases, you need to minimize contact and exit the relationship.

If it is impossible to sever ties—for instance, with a relative—you must distance yourself psychologically and stop expecting anything good from that person. You need to build that internal boundary and maintain purely diplomatic relations, entirely removing any expectation of warmth, sincerity, or openness. Unfortunately, in such situations, you have to emotionally separate yourself.

The Targets of History

As for verbal insults... Even the great writer Anton Chekhov was brutally insulted. One publisher told him to "blow on him" to check his sobriety: "Take a breath, my dear fellow, aren't you drunk?" Another critic, whose name everyone has long forgotten—Skabichevsky—flat-out predicted that Chekhov would die drunk under a fence.

Our great poet Alexander Pushkin was told that his grandfather had been bought by a skipper for a bottle of rum, and that this grandfather supposedly had a tail—a crude, mocking jab at his ancestry.

Absolutely everyone was insulted:

The spectrum of insults is vast. There is likely not a single great, famous, or successful person whom petty individuals haven't tried to tear down. And where are those petty individuals now?

Clearly, the root of any insult is internal envy. The offender sees something in us that they themselves will never possess. They see an object of envy and, blindly following its rules, try to destroy that object by causing the maximum possible harm. The blows are always aimed at what the envious person deems most important and unattainable.

Turning Insults into Self-Discovery

Because of this, it is crucial not to boil over immediately when reacting to an insult, but to listen closely to your internal feelings. Strangely enough, you can find a certain benefit in an insult—even groundless criticism and offense can hold a "grain of truth."

For instance, during a quarrel, a writer's brother snapped at him: "You are fat, stupid, bald, malicious, and untalented!" The writer noticed with surprise that the first few words did not bother him at all—they had nothing to do with him. But the word "untalented" wounded him deeply.

He realized that this word was the key to his actual problems. It was the very reason he couldn't finish his book for years, rewriting it a hundred times over. It was why he never applied for awards or tried to claim first place, constantly dragging out his deadlines. He simply lacked self-confidence because, in childhood, he was often called stupid and untalented, and that childhood conditioning remained inside. When his brother voiced that exact word, it was the only one that resonated and caused pain.

Therefore, we need to analyze ourselves: what specific insults hurt us the most? Which ones cause sharp pain? Perhaps that is the key to resolving our internal conflicts.

If a woman reacts intensely to insults about her appearance, it is obvious she holds a vulnerability in that area, a specific psychological complex—even if she is objectively beautiful. If a person reacts sharply to accusations of being untalented, then, just like the writer, there is a childhood program at play that needs to be addressed and resolved.

If insults target your social status, it is a signal for internal work: evidently, the person is insecure about the position they hold and views their future with anxiety. If words about age sting, then a deep fear of aging is present.

All of this can be worked through, and in a way, you can even thank the offender (just like that writer did), because they helped highlight your weak spot.

The Strategy of Defense

At the same time, keep in mind that a person cannot always instantly follow Plato's advice and deliver a scathing comeback. Though, let me remind you, self-defense is not considered aggression. The aggressor is always the one who crossed someone else's boundaries first and initiated the attack. Our counter-reaction (provided it is reasonable, of course) is not aggression. It is a normal defense mechanism inherent to all living beings fighting for their right to exist.

We must not forget a dangerous progression: first comes psychological death (which is exactly what the offender wants), followed by social death, and then biological death. Therefore, resisting and responding, if you have the opportunity, is absolutely necessary.

For great people, life itself usually answers, while petty abusers sink into oblivion. Today, we can barely recall the names of those who once tried to hurt geniuses. The creators themselves lived magnificent lives, shone brightly, and we remember them to this day. Life always puts everything in its place.

But sometimes, you can deliver a very witty comeback, just as the great pianist Liberace did. In the 20th century, he was the highest-paid musician in history. Once, an incredibly insulting, degrading article was published about him. The author of the piece immediately called Liberace to gloat over the fruits of his "labor" and finish off the musician for good. To his question, "Well, have you read the article?" Liberace calmly replied:

"You know, yes. I read it laughing all the way to the bank, where I was heading to deposit my enormous paycheck."

That was the perfect response. It contained no destructive retaliatory malice—only a brief, ironic remark. Most importantly, Liberace let the critic know that he saw right through to the true motive behind the attack: basic envy. You must always show the envious person that you still feel excellent, that your affairs are going beautifully, and that the very thing they so fiercely envy will remain an inseparable part of your success.

So, never beat yourself up for failing to catch your bearings and respond to an insult right away. That pause a normal person experiences when confronting rudeness is a sign of a healthy brain reaction. It is protecting itself, giving you time to recover and decide whether it is even worth engaging in the dialogue at all.

As academician Dmitry Likhachev wrote, scoundrels often triumph over decent people precisely because they treat decent people like scoundrels. Decent people, conversely, try to communicate even with a scoundrel as if they were a decent person. Because of this nobility, we most often lose in the moment—we simply do not know how to sink to their level.

And yet, life always sorts things out. Trying to resist, protecting yourself, and putting anyone who rudely violates your boundaries back in their place is absolutely essential. And in difficult moments, it is worth remembering the excellent example of the pianist Liberace, which I personally like very much.

I wish you happiness, strong health, and as few grievances, insults, and mental heartaches as possible. May everything go well for you. Let us speak only kind words to one another.

All the very best to you, friends!