Ludmila V. (LSI) — Between Order and Self-Criticism

House and Order

My home is in complete order. The way I placed things and furniture—that's it, I never move them, I never put them away anywhere. They have been standing in the same spot for twenty years. You can change the furniture, but the spots will remain the same. Once I put the sofa in a certain place, once I put an object down—that’s it, it must stay in that exact spot. When I undress, I never throw anything around; I hang everything on a hanger, and I taught my children to do the same.

It’s the same way in the kitchen: once I eat, I wash my dishes. Everything is clean and tidy. I need to be able to close my eyes and take whatever I need. The apartment is my baby.

Building A Perfect Home from Scratch

When we got our new apartment, it was "without windows or doors," metaphorically speaking. There was nothing there. We walked in, were horrified, and a plan immediately formed in my head: okay, what needs to be done first. Even though people told me, "Let's quickly put up cheap wallpaper, lay down some cheap linoleum, and that's it..." I said, "No." We are going to do it in a way that lasts a lifetime—once and for a long time.

And so, bit by bit, we started doing everything. First, we carefully plastered the walls and ceiling. Then we did the toilet and the bathroom; we did a complete overhaul. We made the floors out of parquet boards, and the kitchen with tiles.

I know that I will bring this apartment to perfection. It’s wonderful—I am going to bring this apartment of mine to a brilliant gloss. In my understanding, everything I do must be perfect. The furniture will be beautiful, practical, comfortable, and expensive—exactly what I want. Everything will be rational and functional; every single corner will be utilized. I am the mistress of the house here, without a doubt. It cannot be any other way.

Territory and Rules

My son and daughter-in-law come to visit me. They don't even wash the dishes. I tell them, "Watch how I do it and where I put things." For the first two days they watch, and then they put things back in the exact same place as I do.

But sometimes I can tolerate a violation of order if it is temporary. However, since my heart aches for everything, I need things to be done my way. If someone bosses around on my territory, my soul is restless.

The Authority of Teachers

The teacher at school is always right. I taught my children to treat teachers that way. No matter what you did, no matter what happened—the teacher is always right. You come in, listen to all the instructions, and do what you are told. Never talk back, never. And I never had any problems with teachers. I was even ashamed to get Bs.

The Pursuit of Education and Equality

I graduated from the music college at the Leningrad Conservatory. I graduated well. And they gave me a recommendation to the Leningrad Conservatory, but I got married. For five years we lived in Moscow while my husband studied at the academy, and then he was stationed in Voronezh. We moved, and I went to apply for a job at a music school. And they told me, "We don't even hire everyone with a university degree, and here you are with some music college." For me, that was like death. They took me and rubbed my nose in it.

I thought, "I will enroll in a university, in the most difficult department, and graduate from it, so that no one can ever reproach me or rub my nose in anything." That very same year, I enrolled in the university's history department and graduated well.

I strived, I wanted to achieve something. To be worth something. I wanted status both in society and at home: my husband had an academy degree completed with honors, while I had a music college degree—his education was better than mine, he had a higher education. For me, it was just... Even though he said, "You don't need it, you don't need it!" "No, I will graduate anyway!" I needed to be on his level.

Career and Flawless Organization

I used to work as a HR manager at a company, and then I left for the cadastral chamber as the head of a newly formed department. I just felt inside how I had "grown": "Yes! Great!" I managed it and handled it perfectly; everything was clearly organized by me. It was necessary to monitor deadlines. I had a special program on my computer that mapped out which important documents arrived when and the deadlines for replies. I need everything to be on time and precise! There wasn't a single failure!

The Bitter Descent

So, I worked as a department head, but the salary was small, and I decided to leave for another job. I wanted money. I ended up a step lower; everything changed when I stepped down. I bit my tongue and did what I was told, whether I liked it or not—I was earning money. It is very hard to step down from a position where you used to give orders, to a place where people spit on you and you are nobody... Mentally, it is very tough. Physically tough, too, but I knew what I was getting into. In my soul, I thought, "How will I survive this?!" It was a humiliation, but I got through it.

Pride and Humiliation at Work

I adjusted to the thought that a person is not necessarily always a boss... But what I wanted, I got. I blamed myself: "Why did I agree to this? I became a nobody, but I used to be... I know and can do so much... and this knowledge wasn't needed." My soul ached and hurt for about two or three months.

There was another moment, too. I was a secretary, and there was a project architect. Our education was identical, but our positions were different. We were on the same step in terms of education, but because of our positions, there was a kind of humiliation toward me. She would show me: "Who are you? You have to do this and that." She rubbed my nose in it, and that’s why it was very painful for me.

One-Sided Perspective

I see things one-sidedly. I have no options. I have one point of view and that's it. I just think, "Aha, that's right, everything is correct." Then a person comes along, starts telling me about it from a different angle, and I realize, "Aha, they are right, that's correct." Another person will approach it from a completely different side, and I realize that they are right too—it's just that I look at it from one angle, while they show it to me in a multifaceted way. I really have no options; the way I think is the only option. But if someone shows it from another side and it makes sense, I start to reflect on it, though in my mind, my way still turns out to be right.

Authority in the Family

I always speak correctly. In the family, everything happens with my consent. Everything I say—they agree with me. If something is wrong, we sit down and discuss it. If they explain it to me in detail, then I will accept it, if it is right from my point of view... If not, I will defend my understanding. For me to agree, arguments and facts must be presented in favor of something, but those facts, of course, I can explain in my own way. Sometimes I will never change my opinion for anything. And then time passes, and I think, "Why was I so stubborn?" Time shows everything.

Controlling the Daughter

About my daughter. How many times have I told myself, "Don't interfere, it's their life, and I can't live it for her, she has to do it herself." And yet, I still stick my nose in there. I express my opinion, but I say, "Do it yourself, you know how, but I think it should be done this way." She does something wrong, and I criticize again. Every time I tell myself, "I won't do this, I will do it differently, I won't teach her, I'll let go"—but it doesn't work. I blame myself for interfering in her life. Depending on the circumstances, it can last for different amounts of time; sometimes this feeling of guilt just hangs over me.

Judging Others' Choices

My husband has a niece; they work at Gazprom and make big money, but she lives in her mother-in-law's apartment, meaning she doesn't have an apartment of her own. And so I think, "She works, gets such good money, she should save up and buy herself an apartment, but instead, she buys a car, fur coats... Why does she need this nonsense?" And my husband says to me, "What business is it of yours what she does there and how?"

The Power of Clothing

When I am in a bad mood, my daughter calls and asks, "What's the matter? What are you wearing over there?" I tell her what I'm wearing. My daughter says, "Oh, come on! You have so many clothes, why don't you dress up? Come on, put this on!" I put it on and feel just like a queen! I walk around, and my mood lifts. And somehow, it feels good!

The Trap of Pride

When you get power, it's euphoria: you are so smart, such a good job, you organize everything, you succeed at everything. As soon as you elevate yourself, time passes and you fall painfully. To prevent this from happening, to keep the ground from slipping from under your feet, you need to be grounded, not conceited.

But life is such a thing that it has both black and white. When you get conceited and a dark streak hits you over the head, you can fall very hard. To prevent this, you have to try to keep things even, so there are no falls—it hurts very much. When I get conceited—thinking I'm smart, beautiful, businesslike—my husband sees it clearly, and bam, he brings me back down to earth. He helps me see my flaws that I don't notice. He points them out, saying, "Aha, you've grown proud, but look, you have this, this, and this..." And indeed, I hadn't seen it, and pop—I quiet down. If I grow proud, my responsiveness gets blunted, and my conscience torments me less.

Showing Off and Shame

And sometimes I am tormented by the question: "Have I become arrogant by showing off my talents?" I will do something, for example, at work: they told me to write job descriptions, and I did them in one day. I think, "Good Lord, I am so smart and good," and I take them to show what I did. They tell me, "Good job," point out the mistakes, and say, "Go revise it." I went, revised it, bring it back again, come in and say, "Here, I did it." They tell me, "Do you understand that you were given a week's deadline? Nobody does it in one day. You are supposed to do this over a week." Right then, I realize that I was showing off. I try to watch myself so that this doesn't happen; there is no need to stick my neck out. And if I did stick it out, I feel shame: "Why did I push myself forward like that, Lord? I should have just done everything quietly! I could have brought it four days later. I would have shown the exact same thing."

The Drive for Perfection

I believe that there is no such thing as a perfect job, but still, I always blame myself at least a little bit for something. I want to be an ace at work. An ace! I want everything to be perfect. The way it should be in an ideal scenario—generally, it doesn't turn out that way. Human factors are always present. I'm not a machine, after all. My heart aches over many past steps.

The Pain of Mistakes

At work. Sometimes I rush; I rushed and missed something. That is just like death to me! I torment myself afterward. It hurts me very much. Somewhere I overlooked something, missed something. Yet in my head, it was all mapped out, I needed to do it a certain way, but I rushed, and then I worry very deeply afterward. Very deeply. And next time, I try to take a step ahead to do everything right and correct myself. The day before, I thoroughly map everything out, track it, and try to make sure there are no failures or omissions. I know exactly what is needed.

Self-Criticism and Remorse

Every action—especially at work, if maybe I said something wrong to someone or did something the wrong way—I track it every time and think, "I should have done it this way." I think, "Well, what a..." I don't call myself names, no, but I instantly want to fix everything. This is probably even more self-flagellation than healthy criticism.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina