Oksana L. (LSI) - Systems, Control, and Elegance

My Idea of Order

I love order at home (even though I dislike cleaning itself)—specifically, my own sense of order. This means things should be placed and arranged exactly where it is convenient and familiar to me. Paintings must hang straight. The table shouldn't sit perfectly in the center, but slightly at an angle and precisely under the light fixture (a layout only I know). The chairs around it shouldn't be pushed in tightly, but kept at a certain distance known only to me. While I love absolute cleanliness in the bathroom, toilet, and kitchen, I only do a full cleanup once a week.

The Desire for a Comfortable Home

When we were newly married and had nowhere to live, I was very anxious about not having our own apartment—it was an obsession of mine. I would visit friends who had their own well-furnished apartment, and I loved it so much; I wanted that desperately. It was pure, well-meaning envy. They had a gorgeous kitchen, furnished with great taste. The hostess, my friend, and I would meet and drink coffee from beautiful cups... I loved that so much.

An Eye for Quality and Aesthetics

If I saw a beautiful dinnerware set or something else at someone's house, I would ask: "Listen, I need one too. If you can, get one for me..." Back then, everything was scarce. Whenever any nicely shaped pots or buckets appeared, I would always spot them immediately. Even now, I notice beautiful things and elegant shapes—all of this is very important to me.

Spotting Elegance in a Crowd

I always noticed how people were dressed, especially those I saw and interacted with often. I remember as clearly as if it were today: I was in the hospital when I was nine years old, and my female attending doctor wore elegant shoes with a small spool heel. The senior Pioneer leader wore short skirts and dresses complete with the necessary accessories—a Pioneer tie and a Komsomol badge; it looked very elegant.

As a rule, I always "pick out" women from the crowd who, in my opinion, are well-dressed. A well-dressed woman is dressed with taste; her clothes are not cheap, they are of high quality, and her shoes and bag are equally important. Why women? Because I believe a man should be smart above all else, while his clothes just need to be clean and neat.

Childhood Memories and Style

When I was in school, I really wanted a dress for special occasions. I kept wondering how to tell my mother because I knew we had no money. But I wanted that dress so badly! I was so happy when she brought me a pair of kitten heels from a business trip to Moscow—that was really something!

I also remember being gifted Dederon stockings; I was overjoyed. I remember another time we bought shoes for my grandmother with a small stiletto heel. I kept turning them over and over in my hands; I wanted them so much, even though they were too big for me. In my youth, I always wanted to own things that were prestigious at the time.

High Heels and Prestige Brands

Back in school, I always noticed what kind of shoes people wore and what their heels looked like; all I seemed to care about were stilettos. We had one teacher who always wore them, and all I could see was the constant flash of her feet.

Recently, we bought my daughter a pair of shoes for her birthday. For me, as a mother, it was pure joy: they had high heels, a highly prestigious brand, a pearlescent finish, and were incredibly trendy. They are feminine, perfect for both work and going out. My daughter was hesitant about the pearlescent look, the golden heel, and the logo on the buckle, but for me, it was a double delight—especially since they were on sale. I never buy anything without a discount. The aesthetic appearance and quality are extremely important to me; I know which brands produce higher-quality footwear, and that’s what I try to buy if my wallet allows. I wear these kinds of shoes for a very long time: they stay fashionable for years, look appropriate everywhere, and are comfortable.

The System of Personal Style

To feel good and confident when leaving the house, I want everything I wear to be part of a coordinated system: things must match one another perfectly, showing conciseness and clarity. It has to be comfortable, and the makeup must match. I keep bright and shiny elements very moderate—only in my jewelry. I strictly adhere to a professional, corporate office style and always wear these kinds of clothes to work. I cannot allow myself to show up to the office in a sundress with spaghetti straps. Since work plays a leading role in my life, my wardrobe consists mostly of business suits.

My mood instantly improves when I buy a new piece of clothing, especially on sale. I'll come home, try it on with everything I own, and walk around happy—it gives me a sense of satisfaction and inner peace.

Prestigious Cars

I have always liked seeing a woman behind the wheel; it looks elegant, and I’ve always wanted to drive. At first, I had a Lada Model 6, then a Model 9, which was considered prestigious at the time. For a long time, I drove Russian cars, but at some point, I wanted a foreign one because all my acquaintances drove prestigious cars, and I wanted one terribly. I would literally spot the model I liked at every intersection—it kept catching my eye, and eventually, I bought it. After a while, I wanted a different car: a larger one.

The most important thing about a car is that it should be prestigious and match your financial capabilities. Unusual, expensive cars catch my eye. If a luxury car drives by, I will notice it; it stands out, fills me with energy, and I look at it with pleasure.

The Secret Stash

When I was a child, money was tight in our family, but my mom loved nice things and various knick-knacks, so she would sometimes borrow money.

I swore to myself that I would never borrow in my life. So, starting from around the second or third grade, I saved whatever they gave me for school lunches, breakfasts, and other things. I had this little piggy bank shaped like a mushroom, and I would collect those coins in it. From that moment on, I always had money.

Later on, it grew into something more: I always had a secret stash—I just couldn’t live without it. This hoarding habit was always with me. I saved money; it’s a contagious habit, but I could no longer live without it. Whenever my husband was going to buy me something, I would tell him an inflated price and put the difference into my savings.

I have a constant desire and need to increase my material resources. But life has its ups and downs. I can work hard and long hours just to make money.

Goals and Achievement

My favorite saying is: "I always achieve my goal, and if I don't, it means I don't need it anymore."

The goals I've had in the past were very necessary and important to me; I truly fought for them, and they were won with blood, sweat, and tears.

Workplace Hierarchy

My inner mindset at work is that I must adhere to certain rules and a specific hierarchy. If someone is my supervisor, I must speak to them with respect. If I am communicating with subordinates, I can talk to them one way, but with the boss, it’s completely different. I simply form an internal awareness of my place in the hierarchy, and I interact with different people accordingly.

Work Ethic and Discipline

When it comes to work, I hold people to strict standards. Sometimes I can be overly demanding or harsh; from a subordinate's perspective, I probably seem like a nag. Years ago, I was deeply outraged by the fact that a chief accountant was reading detective novels during working hours. Usually, an accountant doesn't even have time to read professional literature during the workday, and here she was doing that!

Professional Boundaries

I have always maintained that friends and family do not exist for me at work. When my daughter was doing her internship in my accounting department, I told them to give her all the leftover, tedious tasks—the most routine work—and not to spare her. She certainly had a tough time!

Financial Security and the Ground Crumbling

The ground slides out from under my feet when my system is disrupted. For example, I used to go to work every day, had a specific salary, and clear responsibilities—and then suddenly I lose it all, and it becomes completely unclear what to do next or how to make a living. When you realize you can no longer access your resources, that you are unemployed, that you won't have an income, and that the future is completely uncertain, you face losing your job: "How will you live? How will you even exist?" Material insecurity is terrifying to me.

If I don't have a financial safety net, that is the absolute limit. A safety net means there must be something—a certain sum of money set aside for various life emergencies as a bare minimum, and ideally, as much as possible. When the ground slips away, I have to keep myself together somehow. The main thing here is to find a core strength, some sort of psychological anchor to hold onto and climb your way back up, because mentally, you can easily drive yourself into a deep depression in a situation like that. I have already been through this.

Power, Control, and Hierarchy at Work

Workplace relationships fall apart when I am pushed a step down the ladder, when people stop taking me into account, and when my opinion is ignored. I begin to feel that I am no longer interesting, and consequently, no longer valued to the extent that I can contribute my knowledge. Relationships can deteriorate to the point where people start breaking you down. A year ago, you were recognized and respected, and now it’s the exact same job and the exact same team, but you are simply being pushed down. When they demoted me, the ground went right out from under my feet. It caused a depression so severe it led to a physical illness, and I even ended up in the hospital. It is an incredibly heavy state of mind.

When you were recognized and respected, you occupied a specific niche in the hierarchical system—and that was real power. People looked up to you. You could say something with absolute confidence that people would obey, and you felt your own authority. I have an internal desire for people to accept my position, my specific concept, and my beliefs. They must accept them unconditionally. If it’s at work and I am absolutely right, I come in as a manager and say, "What's going on? Why wasn't this done?" And if someone starts to resist, I say, "What are you even talking about?" With certain people, I get into a mindset where I want to push and apply pressure; usually, these are people I don't particularly like and who I feel aren't working conscientiously enough. But then, when they demote you, they completely strip away the power you once held. And of course, the ground slips away.

The System of Family and the Trauma of Divorce

The ground also slipped from under my feet during my divorce. The entire system of the family was being destroyed. My husband and I had lived together for over twenty years, and suddenly there was a divorce. I took it very, very hard. I understood with my mind that we needed to split up—rationally, I knew it was incredibly difficult and had become unbearable—but emotionally, this situation felt like a constant blow to the head.

On top of that, I was losing my social status: in marriage, I had the status of a wife, and after the divorce, it was going to become the status of a single woman. I was worrying about this in advance—how would people look at me, what would I write on official forms? I eventually decided: if I have to fill out a questionnaire, I will write "divorced." It seems like nothing major on the surface, but back then, I felt like I was moving one step down. I don't think that way now, but back then, it took me a very long time to recover; it took about two years to fade from my mind.

During the divorce, I was deeply distressed that we were parting ways and that everything was turning out wrong: the system was collapsing. There used to be a family, and now—how am I going to live? How? I didn't know how, I couldn't comprehend how. While married, I used to fantasize that I would tell him, "This is how it needs to be done," and he would do it, but he never did. And so, nothing worked out. Everything was falling apart, and I didn't understand what was happening. It seemed to me that I could explain everything to him perfectly well—it was the right way, after all, so he couldn't fail to understand it, or so I thought. How could he not understand such elementary things: this goes this way, and that goes that way. But he had his own understanding of everything.

I look back at all of it now as if it were a movie; I try to freeze the frame, and I still don't fully understand if it actually happened to me or someone else. It was incredibly difficult to tear down a family system after twenty-one years of marriage, especially since we had been friends since before our school days.

Managing Others' Moods

When I notice a friend or acquaintance is in a bad mood, and we are on good terms, I try to help them. However, even if I consider someone a terrible person, I will still try to shake them out of it. I try to change anyone's mood for the better, to do something nice for them, or say something kind, even if it's not entirely true.

I will try to smooth things over, make a pleasant gesture, or say something nice. In the past, I couldn't bring myself to say anything bad to someone; I couldn't tell the truth because the truth can be hurtful. I used to smooth over rough edges—I naturally have that desire. Now, I can frame it differently: people need to know the truth, especially at work. When it comes to business, I cannot lie at all.

I genuinely want to shift people's moods. I’ll start asking about one thing—testing their reaction through my intuition. If there is no reaction, I'll ask about something else, say "How about this?", smile, switch topics again, or ask about their health. Even if a person responds rudely or seems displeased, I will still try to stir them up. I'll keep "testing the waters," shifting their mood for the better. Most of the time, I successfully improve their mood. I can even bend a little and make a formal courtesy just to cheer someone up. I always do this when I need to find the right approach to someone. But sometimes, I can simply be strict and whip people into line, completely ignoring their mood. Situations vary.

The Burden of Helping Others

I always try to help. If people ask me for something, I never refuse them. Ever. If a situation arises where I fail to help, it weighs heavily on my soul. I will keep thinking about how that person is doing, what is happening to them, and why I didn't step in. My heart will ache over it again.

Source: How to Raise a Child Without Complexes by O. Mikhevnina