How to Reach an Agreement with a LII Child

Not so long ago, during a personal conversation, I was asked an unusual question: “How do you punish a LII child?” In fact, I want to rephrase this question and give my answer both as a representative of this type and as a parent who is raising such a child myself.

I think the person asking actually meant to say: “How do you influence a LII child?”—especially when it comes to the teenage years. How do you get them to change their behavior regarding certain issues? How can a parent get through to them if the child is a LII?

Let me answer that step-by-step. First of all, my personal experience and my experience interacting with my daughter show that no punishment, no pressure, and no attempts to trigger emotions or guilt will have any effect on a LII whatsoever.

The absolute maximum you will achieve is that they will stop communicating with you confidentially. And these aren’t just dramatic words; it really is the case. In all probability, they won’t stomp their feet, throw tantrums, or do things out of spite. But you will simply cease to be a person they can talk to and reason with. They will reduce communication to a minimum, and the relationship will become cold and distant.

Hardly any parent wants this kind of outcome. Most of the time, you want to maintain an open, trusting relationship while also getting your child to adopt behavior that is comfortable for you.

A LII is a child you can—and absolutely must—truly negotiate with. It's almost like drawing up a civil contract. It is crucial for them to hear your position, but not in formats like:

• "You have to do this because I'm the parent and I said so!"
• "You are upsetting me!"
• "Do this because it would make me happy."

Any such approach based on emotions or pressure will simply be ignored or left unheard. You need to communicate your logic and reasoning to them. Once you do, they are ready to negotiate and make numerous compromises.

Example: The Late-Night Party

Let’s look at a common domestic example. A teenager goes to a party with friends and completely forgets about you: no calls, no texts, no check-ins, and they come home later than agreed. It's a standard situation that happens with any teenager of any type.

Your emotional reaction to this behavior is completely understandable. However, to a LII child, this reaction must be translated into the language of logic—only then will they be able to hear you and make real concessions in return.

You shouldn't just tell them that you were sitting at home, anxious and worrying yourself sick. Most likely, those words will fly right past their consciousness and leave them unmoved. Instead, you need to explain it like this:

"Of course, it’s great that you were out having fun. I understand that you had more interesting things to do and you forgot about me—that’s okay, I get all that. But the thing is, while you were there, I was sitting here starting to get anxious. Because I am your parent, and I worry about you.

Moreover, by law, I am legally responsible for everything that happens or doesn't happen to you until you turn 18. Therefore, I can't just switch off from the situation when I'm sitting here for hours not knowing where you are or what's happening to you.

Consequently, when I'm anxious and constantly thinking about this, I can't focus on my work, I can't take care of my personal business, and I can't go to sleep and rest. In other words, my quality of life dramatically deteriorates in that moment because of your behavior. So when you come home looking all happy, my only desire is to dump all this frustration on you."

You need to lay out the situation plainly. First, explain how you arrived at this conclusion, and second, outline the alternative scenarios.

Laying Out the Scenarios

The breakdown should look like this:

• Option One: You arrive at the party and send me a quick text: "I'm here" or "I'm running late, I'll be an hour later." That’s it. I back off, leave you alone, go about my business, and don't bother you anymore. But you must text me once to let me know you are safe and everything is fine.

• Option Two: I get anxious, and when I start worrying, I will start calling you constantly and bugging you.

• Option Three: If you are late coming home from a party one more time, I will simply stop letting you go to parties altogether for a whole year.

You have to outline all the options for them. And they will meet you halfway.

First of all, one way or another, they will realize that your life suffered because of their actions. To a LII, this feels deeply unjust. They do not want to be the source of other people's problems—they feel this very strongly internally. Therefore, they will definitely engage in dialogue right away and agree to mutual concessions. They will call.

I cannot guarantee this for every single LII out there, but I can certainly vouch for the two I have studied closely. First, they will call. Second, they will have a clear understanding of what they are personally risking if they fail to show understanding regarding this agreement. That is, they need to know exactly how their life will improve or worsen depending on whether they respect this contract or not. This is probably the most crucial point.

Furthermore, when two parties reach an agreement, it satisfies the LII's sense of justice. What is unjust to them is when you try to manipulate them, pressure them into doing what benefits only you, or force them into an unfavorable decision. If they catch you doing this, they will dig their heels in and refuse to negotiate altogether.

They need to see that you are open with them, that your intentions are honest, and that you are also ready to negotiate rather than just trying to bend them to your will. They won't tolerate being controlled; they will become stubborn. And a stubborn LII is not the most pleasant creature to deal with. Trying to work with them at that stage is incredibly difficult—many times harder than at the initial stage where you could have easily reached an agreement.

The Upside of the Situation

The beauty of this situation is that a LII not only listens to reason, but is also willing to agree to terms that might not even be the most optimal for them. While you shouldn't exploit or abuse this, a contract is a contract to them precisely because both sides make concessions. If it's an honest conversation, they are willing to sacrifice some of their own interests for the sake of the agreement.

They are not the type of child to throw themselves onto the floor and scream until they get their way. If you are ready to negotiate, they will absolutely meet you halfway.

Conclusions

So, that is our monologue and topic of conversation for today. Talk and negotiate! A LII is actually quite accommodating; they are not the most problematic children. But it is vital for them to see honesty, openness, and a willingness to speak without any hidden agendas. This is incredibly important to them.

If it seems to you that they are just a child and don't understand anything, remember that this personality type is special. They see and feel a lot—not through ethics, but through intuition. If they catch you lying or acting dishonestly, your trust will be lost for a long time, sometimes even for years.

For a LII, an "open visor" position—being completely transparent—is critically important in a relationship. They want to speak openly and without any hidden catches; this matters immensely to them in any relationship.

Well, I think that’s all from me. Negotiate with your LIIs, and they will surely soften up and reciprocate your warmth.

Source: O. Mikhevnina