Oksana M. (ESE) - On Bodily Sensations

I am always aware of my body. Once, I was asked to list how many types of pain I could name. For example, stabbing, cutting, aching... I named thirty. My body is highly sensitive. Many people don’t notice, say, someone knocking behind the wall, but I find irritating sounds hard to bear. A radio behind the wall is enemy number one.

My entire body becomes heavy, even breathing gets difficult, and my head feels tense. My body literally starts to whimper: "It's uncomfortable, help..." And if the scent of perfume "drifts in" from somewhere on top of that, I often get a headache and catch my breath. That’s no way to live! Happiness evaporates! I have to go, shut off the negative emotions, and show who is boss of the territory, otherwise I might just collapse.

On the other hand, I absolutely adore the subtlest aromas, mostly of natural origin—for instance, the smell of lightly salted cucumbers, lemon, a freshly cleaned room, or frosty air. When I smell them, my body relaxes, and the world begins to gleam with happiness. Music has a similarly marvelous effect on me, but only the kind that resonates with delicate harmony and beauty.

Sometimes I imagine myself as a snail without a shell: if external sensations get just a bit harsher, I feel miserable.