Maria B. (ESI)

When my heart is heavy, I long to talk, but I rarely find anyone I can truly trust. When I listen to someone, I eventually reach a point of saturation; I stop absorbing what they say and feel an intense need to withdraw into solitude.

<...> I am selective about people; I need to connect with specific individuals. If someone is intellectually interesting, if I like them and find them pleasant, I feel a surge of energy. I become happy, full of life, and in a state of pure delight.

The most important thing in relationships is tact. Connections must be handled with great sensitivity. I suffer when relationships are tactless. I try to guide my interactions to a level that feels comfortable so that I can live with pleasure. I am capable of saying, "Don't say that to me; it’s unpleasant."

<...> I used to have friends. Now, I have neither the right male friend nor the right female friend. I suffer most from the lack of a true female friend: someone reliable, where the relationship isn't based on self-interest. I broke ties with those I once called friends because they were simply using me as a sponsor and a muse. They mimicked everything I did, copied my style. They were constantly borrowing money and clothes, and so on. I don't need that kind of friendship. I need a spiritual and soulful connection—mutual understanding, mutual aid—where I am not the only one caring for them, but where they show care for me as well. As it stands, the care is always one-sided: I nurture, I care, I help, but in return, I hit a wall, a dead end.

I was friends with one woman for ten years and another for five, but I broke it off with them—completely and irrevocably. In return for my kindness, they gave me treachery, filth, and slander. One misunderstood something, and the other immediately jumped on it, escalating it and throwing mud at me. Brainless, stupid fools. It was a shock to me.

<..> I feel sorry for everyone, I empathize with everyone, but no one ever feels for me. I cannot tolerate being treated this way. From a relationship, I want fulfillment and transcendence. I want to feel like singing, like flying—a peak of passion, an emotional surge—so that I can simply feel joy.

I am a person of art: delicate, elevated, refined. Aristocratic blood runs through my veins. Since childhood, I’ve possessed a certain fastidiousness, a grace, and a high-mindedness that always made me the "black sheep." On one hand, I’ve always been a leader—I sought leadership because I felt that power and potential within me—yet there was always a sense of isolation. I felt like an outsider. "Not of this world." Everyone would say, "She is different; she’s not like the rest. She should have been born in the 18th century, not this one." I possess refinement, good breeding, and a sense of duty.

I am impulsive, a creature of moods, easily captivated. I chase after ideas and interests. I need something to fascinate me, to inspire me, to carry me away—I love the feeling of being completely immersed in an interest. Mere "existence" does not satisfy me.

I am drawn to people who are intelligent, charming, and attractive, both inside and out. I want our conversations to be engaging, to have common ground, shared ideas, and shared values—so that being together is interesting, pleasant, and enriching. So that we can go out into society together.

Right now, I live as if in a prison. My grandmother says, "Even in prison people socialize, but you sit in isolation within four walls, never going out." It has been a long time since I’ve been to a concert or a play. I haven't been to my local theater in ten years. I simply have no one to go with.

After all, I am a sociable person—excessively communicative, even. I cannot go anywhere alone. I have no incentive to get ready and go by myself; the desire and the mood just aren't there.

My appearance significantly impacts my mood. How I look is vital to me. If I look poorly, apathy sets in—I lose all will to do anything. It leads to an energy crash, a crisis, a total downward spiral. To me, beauty is synonymous with youth and health. I love vibrant colors in my clothes: red, bright green, and bright blue.

<...> A person's appearance is very important to me. I see a man, and if he’s plain, unattractive... I look at him once, and that's enough to understand him. I have no need for such a person; he is not my match. I see it instantly in the manners, the style of dress, the way of speaking, the physical appearance. I like a strong, handsome build, a masculine face, a certain way of talking...