Maria B. (ESI) - On Relationships

When my heart is heavy, I long to talk, but I rarely find anyone I can truly trust. When I listen to someone, I eventually reach a point of saturation; I stop absorbing what they say and feel an intense need to withdraw into solitude.

<...> I am selective about people; I need to connect with specific individuals. If someone is intellectually interesting, if I like them and find them pleasant, I feel a surge of energy. I become happy, full of life, and in a state of pure delight.

The most important thing in relationships is tact. Connections must be handled with great sensitivity. I suffer when relationships are tactless. I try to guide my interactions to a level that feels comfortable so that I can live with pleasure. I am capable of saying, "Don't say that to me; it’s unpleasant."

<...> I used to have friends. Now, I have neither the right male friend nor the right female friend. I suffer most from the lack of a true female friend: someone reliable, where the relationship isn't based on self-interest. I broke ties with those I once called friends because they were simply using me as a sponsor and a muse. They mimicked everything I did, copied my style. They were constantly borrowing money and clothes, and so on. I don't need that kind of friendship. I need a spiritual and soulful connection—mutual understanding, mutual aid—where I am not the only one caring for them, but where they show care for me as well. As it stands, the care is always one-sided: I nurture, I care, I help, but in return, I hit a wall, a dead end.

I was friends with one woman for ten years and another for five, but I broke it off with them—completely and irrevocably. In return for my kindness, they gave me treachery, filth, and slander. One misunderstood something, and the other immediately jumped on it, escalating it and throwing mud at me. Brainless, stupid fools. It was a shock to me.

<..> I feel sorry for everyone, I empathize with everyone, but no one ever feels for me. I cannot tolerate being treated this way. From a relationship, I want fulfillment and transcendence. I want to feel like singing, like flying—a peak of passion, an emotional surge—so that I can simply feel joy.