Tatiana N. (SLE) - Mistress of Her Own Territory, a Need for Control

For a SLE child it is important to feel that they are not alone but part of some group. What is especially important is to be the one in charge. I always needed some kind of group where I could lead. The second thing that showed up when I was seven years old was that I was an organizer everywhere. Always.

<...> The entire courtyard was under my command, all the boys were under my command—my brother, although he was three years older than me, his friends who were five or six years older than me. I could even fight.

<...> I remember that adults constantly gave me assignments. After first grade I went to a Pioneer camp for the first time. It was forty kilometers away, and I naturally have a loud voice, low, kind of masculine, and while we were riding on the bus, I was appointed chairperson of the squad council. And it was like that every year: as soon as I opened my mouth, I would suggest singing songs to make the trip more fun, or something else. The counselor would immediately see that I could be relied on, entrusted with things, and would immediately make me chairperson of the squad council. Then I arrived at the camp, and that same day we were gathered for the council of the troop, and I was immediately offered not just the position of squad chairperson but, literally the next day after arrival, chairperson of the troop or the camp, or something else.

In general, from very early childhood I was endlessly appointed, endlessly promoted, and I responded very easily. I think they entrusted things to me because they knew I didn’t need any supervision at all. If they said, “On such-and-such a date at two o’clock gather everyone, there will be some match,” or “prepare amateur performances,” there was no need to supervise—an adult could relax and rest, and everything would be done.

I used inflexible organizational methods with children and resolved issues through pressure, mostly by direct orders. And now, perhaps, at work people simply don’t want to deal with me; they feel that my strength or my energy just punches through them, and they feel weak compared to me. And even if sometimes they don’t want to do something, they’ll do it just to get me off their backs.

All my life I have dictated my will to those around me. If I do something, stubbornness and persistence awaken in me; I will definitely finish everything, bring everything to completion.

When I entered university, I immediately became an organizer there too; everything was entrusted to me right away. After university I went to work at a school. There I was given an endless number of assignments, and literally after a few months I was made head of the methodological association of my fellow teachers. A couple of years later I was offered the position of head of the methodological association for the entire district. From the very first year I got into the trade union committee, then I was quickly made chair of the committee. Then I became the trade union leader of the entire district, the entire territory—about a hundred educational institutions. After that I went to the State Duma in Moscow and completed training at the Moscow Academy of Labor and Social Relations.

There I met secretaries of the Central Committee and education workers’ trade unions at the Moscow level. I almost received an invitation to Moscow structures. Winning was interesting to me, but the actual content of the work was not.

I have absolutely no fear of walking into the office of a boss of any rank. I open any door and walk in like the mistress of the place.

… I worked in an elected position, then new elections came, and since it no longer interested me, I didn’t run for another term. I remained an ordinary teacher. Probably school has kept me for so long because there is someone there to dominate. And quite rigidly. A good report card, good grades. On the one hand I love my students, but God forbid someone goes against me… If someone suddenly turns their back while I’m talking, that’s it immediately. That’s why students who study with me for some time behave like this: “I just turned around to get an eraser.” If a child is late: “Here’s a note, I was delayed at the nurse’s office.” And if I don’t believe they were at the nurse’s office, I immediately dial the nurse’s office and ask, “Did you have a student just now…?” And they already know.

I need unquestioning obedience to my demands. The main trick that works with me on the students’ side is when they address me affectionately, as if showing that they are genuinely comfortable with me. Also, if someone discerns my human side, then some kind of friendship develops between us, in the sense that I consult them during breaks, do something else… With such children I am relatively gentle; somewhere I can forgive something.

My main factor in relationships with absolutely anyone is that first I must be shown that I am valued, that I am recognized, and then I relax.

But with my daughter we had very intense conflicts. To somehow protect herself from my terrible arrows and pressure, she invented this phrase: “Everything will be the way you want it!” And I immediately relax. When anger starts boiling inside me because she is not following my instructions, she suddenly quickly says this phrase: “Everything will be the way you want it!” That’s it. At that point you can take me with your bare hands.

<...> I needed both my mother and intelligent teachers to do everything to recognize some inner world of mine, to respect me, to take me into account. Generally speaking, I have a very deep inner attitude: there is some line of people standing in formation, and I stand apart. It is important for me that other people understand that I am neither Masha nor Sveta nor Olya—I am unique, the only one of my kind in the world and on planet Earth. It is important to me that people recognize me as such. Respectful treatment toward me is very important.

Let them not understand my inner world, let there be other things—what matters is that they listen to me, that things are done my way, literally in everything. It is important that a person demonstrate readiness for dialogue, readiness to coordinate certain issues. We must work out shared rules, and my voice must be taken into account. If a person yields to me, shows respect, agrees to reckon with me, then afterward I can yield significantly myself and, to a very large extent, step on the throat of my own song for that person—do something for them, quite a lot, even sacrifice something, even control myself in some ways, perhaps give up some of my habits.

I am happy when I live for others, when I feel needed, when people follow my advice, when they adopt some of my experience for themselves.