Nina B. (SLE) - Goal orientation, breakthrough abilities

It’s hard for me to deny my own “I want.” I want it, and that’s that.

I want a lot of things in life. I’m not allowed to eat smoked foods, but I’m dying for dry-cured sausage—I’ve always loved it. Now I’m not allowed to, but I want it. I go into the store, buy it, come home, and eat it.

Before, it was like this: I’d see something beautiful on someone, get fired up, want the same thing—want it, want it, want it, no matter what—and I’d get it. Before, the problem was where to find it. I’d go through every possible channel, but I needed that thing. I’d get it—I needed it immediately! I’d get it—satisfaction, I’d feel like a real person.

I remember putting on a gauze dress, super-high heels, walking—and I was a person, a Person with a capital P, I was beautiful!

<…> We’re walking down the street and see a little kiosk with good products. It’s inside a fenced area. I think: “We really need to get in there now and buy everything.” “They won’t let you in,” my daughter says. Everything is fenced off and there’s a guard. I set myself up: I need to get in there! I go, walk through, and he stops me and says: “Where are you going?” “To the kiosk, I need to buy something.” He says: “We only let people in with passes.” I say: “Well, let me through anyway, I have my passport.” “Alright, go ahead.”

I just wanted to! I wanted to, that’s all—and I got through! I passed it like an obstacle! And I got everything I wanted, bought everything. My daughter was surprised.

<...> I took risks constantly! Risk all the time. It’s comfortable in it. Once a year at our workplace there was an inspection—a reviewer came from the higher organization. She called everyone in groups (we worked in groups). I come in, she asks me: “Why do you have such an inflated balance?” I start explaining: this and that, this and that. I talk about suppliers—it’s deliberate nonsense, but I take the risk. I say: “This supplier delivered more than our order, I have a letter saying that if we don’t sell it, they’ll take it back.” That’s it—she puts a check mark, everything’s fine. I behave confidently, but my colleagues come in and start mumbling. And several times the reviewer told me: “Some people come in, and you get nothing out of them. But when you come, you lay everything out neatly.” When dealing with the reviewer, there was never any inner trembling. Calm. I’ll break through! I always said everywhere that I’d break through!

I take risks, of course I take risks, but without it I feel bad. In risk, my tone goes up!