Irina D. (1) (SEE) - Attitude Toward Pressure, Humiliation, and Conflict

It is best to talk to me kindly, without pressure, without banging fists on the table. Do not humiliate!

<...> I needed someone to understand me, help me change clothes, sew up my torn pants, say: “Be more careful next time, you’ll rip your leg along with your pants.” But don’t scold, don’t say “you’re not going anymore,” “I won’t give you anything,” “I won’t buy anything” — prohibitions solve nothing. They only cause a simple reaction: running away from home, stealing, sabotage.

<...> Do something out of spite? Depends on who! To my mother — yes: do everything the opposite way. To my father — no: he was very kind and smart, never humiliated me, and I always felt that he loved me.

<...> Inside, a SEE often feels: “I’m right, period!” Before, I used to think, “Isn’t it too bold to say ‘It’s this way and that’s it’? Maybe it’s too brazen.” For example, I was planning to visit my cousin, and my mother said: “No, you’re not going!” I look at her and say: “What makes you think I’m not going?” So I get up, get dressed, get ready. I stood up and went — I didn’t care at all; I decided I’m going, and I went. My mom said: “I won’t let you!” I stood up, gently moved her aside; she said: “Do whatever you want!” I told her: “Move. And don’t come near me. I know everything without you!”

<...> Such a child may bully someone they don’t like.

<...> I’ll never forget how I used to torment my neighbor: “Aunt Masha, your kettle is boiling!” And then I’d dump salt in her tea; she was a very nasty lady: you come home from playing outside with muddy boots, and she nags: “Where are you dragging yourself in?!”

<...> Humiliation is the most dangerous thing! “You! You this, you that!” You want to walk up and punch the person in the face. I don’t do it — I’m stopped by the thought: “What if I kill them?” But sometimes the anger rises so strongly that you stop thinking, everything goes black.

<...> Many adults can’t withstand the bold gaze of a SEE — we are insolent. The gaze of a wolf cub, a bold gaze. And adults’ hands start to reach out: “What are you staring at, wolf cub?!” This gaze may be directed at parents as well. This gaze sets adults off. And the gaze says: “Here’s what I am!” The gaze says either: “This is my territory — that is your territory! Don’t come here!” It’s good if parents understand this. Trying to intrude is completely useless; otherwise, a scandal will begin.