Ekaterina N. (ILI) - Reliving the Past, Constant Analysis of Actions

I "visit" the past a lot. There are very many memories. In general, as a matter of fact, I was only recently thinking that right now I am here. On the one hand, all of this is being recorded; in principle, I track what is happening around me, but at the same time, at that very moment, I can be thinking about something that happened long ago.

I can recall some vivid event from the past, remember it there, imagine what happened, how I behaved, how I could have behaved differently, why people behaved in exactly that way, what they were thinking, what guided them. If later, after some time, someone asks me, “You were riding in a bus—do you remember anything there?”—then I recall those events in my memory. I know what was around me during that period of time, but at the same time my thoughts could have been in a completely different place, in some moment of my past.

You always analyze what you did, what it led to, what it will lead to. I often can’t fall asleep because these thoughts keep spinning in my head, spinning. If the day was intense, you constantly think about what happened, how you behaved, how you could have behaved, what people said, what they feel toward you… Analysis. It’s constantly going on in my head; I can’t even fall asleep. <...>

And today I had a dream: I was hurt in that dream, and I woke up angry at the people who hurt me. I woke up, my eyes were open, but I was still thinking through how, in the dream, I couldn’t respond to what was done to me there.