Elena M. (ILE) about fantasies and possibilities

When I receive information from the outside, I immediately see events unfolding in pictures. The information can be anything — I might see something, hear something, or read something… and my imagination immediately starts working.

For example, a friend calls me and says that she went to the cinema. I immediately see her vividly, imagining how she walks, what she sees, what she does. She tells me, “Now I’ll do the dishes.” And I see her standing in the kitchen in front of the sink; I hear the sounds and even perceive the smells.

If someone tells me they are going to bake a pie, mixing flour with butter, cottage cheese, and eggs… I can immediately even taste the pie in my mind, and I see the dough forming. On my inner screen, there is always a movie playing — my own imagination. If I close my eyes and give a push to my imagination (for example, I define a place and a person I want to meet — let’s say it’s a beach), the events immediately start unfolding. I see the yellow sand, the waves rolling onto the shore, the sun shining, seagulls flying in the sky, and the person walking toward me. If this action is not interrupted, for example, by some other information, the next chain of events begins. Everything unfolds in chains.

I am always in the imaginary. If I don’t deliberately bring myself back to reality, I can deeply immerse in imaginary events. For example, I’m driving a car, and a recent event comes to mind — I get carried away into it, it begins to unfold, I can even hear the conversation, interact with a person, while everything else happens automatically. I walk through a park, see a couple, and a scenario begins to develop in my imagination, with probable outcomes.

If someone says something hurtful to me, different scenarios appear — what I could do and what would result. For example, I imagined myself hitting someone irritably and immediately saw the inner aggression that flared up, leading to a clash or a fight.

If, for example, a dog starts running across the street, I immediately imagine it being hit by a car and see these events vividly. Usually, I see the negative outcome, which grabs my attention, and I fear that it might really happen.

I had many fears regarding children. A child runs up the stairs, and I immediately build a chain of events: they reach the top, lean over the railing, and fall. In childhood, I was afraid of the dark, could imagine spirits, unknown and mysterious things. Yet through my fear, I could still walk alone at night in complete darkness through the village, returning home. In general, I was not very afraid of much.

However, in school, when a teacher started looking through the register to see who to call to the board, I imagined that it would be me. I even heard the intonation: “Now it will be your turn…” Then I pictured myself going to the board, feeling bad because I hadn’t prepared. All of this flashed through my mind in fractions of a second.

If someone spoke to me harshly or strictly, no chains of imagination appeared. Everything immediately shrank and blocked. My mood collapsed, and all my attention focused on the event itself.

Why did they say that to me? What did I do to deserve it? What did I do wrong? Why did this person say it to me specifically? Self-reproach would begin.

When I walk down the street, I can be entirely within myself, depending on my thoughts and feelings. If I feel unwell or uncomfortable, I can be fully inward. But if I feel comfortable and good — the nature and weather are wonderful — I am fully outward, sensing the sun, wind, smells, seeing people around and everything else. And this happens much more often.

I can see chains of relationships: for example, I see a man walking, and I build a chain — my attitude toward him. Do I like him or not? It feels like a wave goes toward him and then comes back from him. I immediately get feedback: a glance, an attempt to meet or talk, or a lack of interest. This happens when my attention is outward. Chains of assumptions arise when I am entirely within my own thoughts. It’s just like playing checkers: there are your pieces and the opponent’s pieces.

You think: “I’ll make this move, he will respond, then I’ll do this, this, and this… But if the opponent makes another move, I’ll go this way. I can even deceive him, pretending I want to go here, but then go somewhere else.”

These are the logical chains. Both logic and intuition are at work here.