Irina V. (IEI) - Immersion in a World of Fantasies

If my mood is better, then before sleep I’m very inclined to fantasize. Fantasies on absolutely any topic, limitless. When I came to your class and let everyone touch my hands, a picture appeared in my head—as if I were a rock star walking by, and everyone touches my hands because I’m a celebrity. I’m very inclined to live in some world of illusions and fantasies; it’s more comfortable for me there than in real life. Life, after all, doesn’t give you that much good.

As a child I always imagined that when I grew up, I’d become some amazing businesswoman who could buy herself the very best, who could give Dad a jeep, Mom a mink coat—something from the realm of power and wealth. As a little child I fantasized about this a lot; I remember it very well.

I imagined that besides work, I’d be a wonderful keeper of the hearth; I’d have many children, and cats, and dogs, and a big beautiful house, and everything, everything… I approached all of this very maximalistically. I am the center, and around me there is a lot, a lot of everything: beautiful, expensive, many close people. In all spheres of life—everything, everything is good. It was constant. Today I’d think about what a wonderful career woman I’d be, and tomorrow I’d think about what a wonderful wife I’d be. I wanted everything and a lot of it.

I haven’t grown out of this much even now. I still imagine that I’m about to find my path, on which everything will work out for me, and I’ll reach certain heights and build my life with a wonderful person. In principle, compared to childhood, everything has remained the same, but on a more realistic level. I understand that I won’t be able to give Dad a new car every week, or Mom a mink coat. As a child it seemed to me that I could, in principle, do anything.