Ludmila M. (IEE) about dislike of limited choices or freedom

Here is what parents must never do under any circumstances: pressure them, dictate their choices, or try to decide their fate—this is completely pointless. Through trial and error, they will choose everything on their own. My mother enrolled me in accordion lessons. I didn’t want to. I went and suffered for four years—both myself and my teacher. I had an understanding teacher; we laughed together—he told jokes and made me laugh.

My mother refused to give up on the accordion, no matter what. I wasn’t interested. With a child like this, you have to find compromise. All the girls who went to music school played the piano. We couldn’t afford to buy a piano, and it was more expensive. So they picked a more budget-friendly option—the accordion. I didn’t like it; it wasn’t prestigious, you couldn’t perform with flair, and in my opinion it was an “older” instrument. In the end, I quit everything, because that’s where it was all heading anyway.

<...> You shouldn’t use any dumb relationship manipulations with an IEE — they see right through them instantly. Dumb manipulations like: “I’ll buy you this if you do that.”

With an IEE, you need to negotiate, not impose strict conditions. It should be gentler, like: “Let’s think about what you want — what could motivate you in your studies?” Give them the chance to decide for themselves and offer their own ideas.

Never limit them to a single option. It shouldn’t be just: “This way and that’s final!” No — there should be several options offered: “How do you see it? What do you want? Right now you’re having trouble with school — can we work on that?”

“Yes, we can.” “And how? Let’s try to motivate you. What could encourage you to study better? Should we buy you some new, nice books on the subject? Or maybe you can suggest what you would like.”

Don’t set rigid rules — let them propose their own: “I want this and that.” You should choose from their options. The child should always have the right to choose. An IEE always has many interests.

<...> Putting a child like that in the corner is absolutely pointless. They used to put me in the corner. It did nothing for me. Admitting that I understood, that I was aware, was impossible — the whole thing was stupid from the start. I understood why they put me there, but I considered it a stupid form of punishment; it gives nothing, it’s a forced restriction of freedom. And for an IEE, freedom is sacred.

It’s important to come to an agreement and talk with the child. In the process of dialogue, you can agree on anything.

You need to ask them why they did something, what led them to it. Sometimes it’s worth thinking: “Maybe I, as a mother, did something wrong?” “Or maybe the circumstances just turned out this way?” “How can we handle this differently in the future?” Give them perspective so they can choose ways to prevent it from happening again. Let them evaluate themselves: “Yes, maybe I should have done something differently…” And all of this must be without harsh judgment.

You must never say: “You know, you’re wrong, apologize!” The approach must be flexible. The child will say themselves what should be done so it doesn’t happen again.

They demanded from me strictly: “Say that you were wrong!” That is complete stupidity and a restriction of freedom. It’s just a dead-end option.