Elena S. (IEE) about the desire to be interesting and unique

About uniqueness. That’s also a very difficult thing. For example, I can’t resemble someone, act like someone, or copy anyone. Let’s say we all went on a trip together, and there was this place with little figures, sculptures, and everyone rushed to take pictures with them. I chose this crocodile — a small wooden one, cute, funny. There were many figures, but my friend sat on it, leaned against it, and then I couldn’t. I really wanted that kind of photo for myself, but I won’t take one because she already did it. I won’t repeat after someone, no matter what. It makes me feel uneasy, because I had planned it but didn’t do it, and she just went ahead and did it.

Besides, I’ve noticed that I feel bad when someone in an informal group is more emotional than I am, expresses their joy more vividly. I can’t fully rejoice the same way. I immediately become gloomy, withdrawn, because it makes me terribly angry, hurt, irritated. I sort of understand that it’s stupid, some kind of pathology, I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels extremely uncomfortable. And I can’t enjoy the trip, the company; I can’t express my emotions fully, because someone is already shining, overflowing with that emotion, drawing all the attention to themselves. I feel like ruining that person’s mood, spoiling things, and I just want to leave, not see that source, not see that situation — it’s better to go through it alone. It’s very hard, very.

It’s a problem for me.

When I was a child, my dad tended to “motivate” me through comparisons. For example, he wanted me to attend English courses. I don’t like studying languages, I wasn’t interested in it. My second cousin went to language courses.

My dad would say she had prospects, she would be sent on business trips abroad. Constant comparisons: “And how did Tanya do on her test? Why did she get an A, and you got a B?” It infuriated me. When I was little, I didn’t realize he was trying to motivate me. And later, when these tricks became obvious to me — when someone starts telling a story about another person in front of me, without addressing me directly, but I know exactly why they’re saying it, so I’d think: others are doing this and that, but I’m not. I should do it too, because he’s doing great, and you’re not. I really hated that.

And so I periodically compare myself to someone: me and my friend — who’s better dressed at this event. I need to be the best in the things that matter to me, in the areas that lie within my interests. In the field that interests me, I must be the best — absolutely. Parents should know that an IEE should never be compared to anyone.

<...> I don’t like going to places where I can gain new experiences together with my girlfriends. For me, every new place is a chance to present myself in a new way: how you show up, how you carry yourself — you might end up with a new role there, and then you can even change yourself. And if you grow into that new role, you can really work on yourself. I don’t like going to new places with my friends because they know my old behavioral patterns (they’ve known me for a long time), and they’ll perceive me in a new place “through my old behavior,” while I want to see myself as new in that place.

I can’t change the way I want to when my friends are around. And I want to be different in different places. I’m unique, after all — I should be a step above my girlfriends.