Valentina D. (EII) - Idealism, All people are inherently good

This feeling [of elevated, tender infatuation] was often accompanied by admiration, a desire for self-sacrifice, a tendency to attribute ideal qualities to people. Often I simply invented them and didn’t see what was actually there.

Wherever I studied, there was always a teacher—man or woman—whom I adored, whose flaws I didn’t notice, whose lectures I listened to with loving eyes. And I always thought I was abnormal, that something was wrong with my psyche, and I tried to re-educate myself. And again, whenever I came to some training or seminar, I listened to the teacher with admiration. If someone spoke of them disparagingly, I began to worry that I didn’t understand people at all. But at the next class, I again listened with loving eyes. Of course, this wasn’t always the case, but very often. Perhaps it depended on the kind of information they delivered, although in school I adored my physics teacher without understanding a thing in the subject.

<...> [When I was in love] I was full of tenderness and emotion. And what’s interesting is that although my feelings were very strong—this desire to care, protect, nurture—I always noticed the flaws in that person (everyone has them). I felt two things at once—one could say a split in personality: on one hand, love; on the other, judgments of his qualities, actions, and so on.

Although all the negative was as if in a fog—I didn’t want to see it, or believe it. I tried to find excuses, but if the negative outweighed everything else, it became terribly painful. “How can this be? Something must be done!” I invented many different ways to get rid of everything bad.

For a long time, I couldn’t understand why some people simply don’t want things to be good. After all, the most important thing is love, and for its sake, you can move mountains.

Consistency in relationships was very important to me. It took me a long time to realize that for many people, this is not a value.