Alena B. (EII) - Romanticism, Loyalty and Betrayal

When I was little, I really wanted to be a princess (and I absolutely adored magical fairy tales about princesses). As I grew up, I realized how hard life is for real princesses! I even started to feel sorry for them: it seems to me that they can’t simply be happy, can’t make their own choices, can’t do what they want, or even love freely... And all those court intrigues feel humiliating to me, something I’d never want to “stain” myself with. Sometimes you’re shocked by the things people can say about others. You expect no trick, and suddenly—bam!!! No words...

<...> If I’m wholeheartedly drawn to someone, then it’s complete loyalty.

In childhood I had very few close, heartfelt friends—and even they betrayed me. The pain I felt! The loneliness! And I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. It seemed to me that if I love, care, and respect someone, then I have the right to expect the same adequate feelings in return.

As for betrayal specifically—it’s like the “ultimate punishment.” First everything burns inside, such intense heat! At the same time it takes your breath away, like swinging from a great height. And then ice and emptiness follow, so strong your head rings like a bell. And that’s it!!! No thoughts—nothing, just emptiness—no words, no feelings, only a blank space, no body, life ended, stopped. What is there to live for, whom to live for? You even wonder how your legs manage to keep walking.

I was very jealous of a friend if she went for a walk with someone else and didn’t invite me... I would get offended, my mouth would “seal shut”—I couldn’t talk, discuss anything, I would sulk and bottle everything up inside.