Irina V. (1) (EIE) - A need for strong emotional experiences, heightened emotionality, tragic tone

It was important for me to feel strong emotions. I especially lacked positive ones. I lacked love, sympathy, sincerity, openness. But at school there was plenty of anger, shouting, loud authority. I watched very closely how teachers showed their emotions; I could literally see the color of those states. Sometimes I enjoyed absorbing particularly bright emotions of others — it was very interesting, it was my research of the world. But since I was very shy and obedient, these emotions weren’t directed at me, they didn’t destroy me, they just added to the picture of the world.

<..> I had a younger sister, and once we were left alone together; we were very little. I don’t know what came over me, but I decided to bring her to a state where she would need comforting afterward. It was very important for me to comfort her afterward. I locked her on the balcony, she cried and screamed, then I opened it and started stroking her, calming her down, and my pity blossomed. I needed a place to express my emotions, but there was none, and I artificially created the situation.

<...> I reacted very strongly to music — but not to all music. I remember a friend let me listen to a Robyerto Loretti record; I was about eleven. That voice thrilled me so much that I played the record nonstop for three months. My poor family… I couldn’t understand why others didn’t share my admiration (it was the 70s and R. Loretti’s peak fame was long past).

<...> When I was told that the EIE is an extrovert, I was shocked, because all my experiences happen deeply inside, and I don’t show them to anyone.

<...> I have things inside me that I still won’t say out loud, things none of my loved ones know: how I went through something, how I got myself out of problems, all that… I felt everything so deeply that if my mom found out — I didn’t know what would happen to her. I hid a lot. I had no other experience. Maybe sometimes you really should share. Some things I could’ve handled myself, but some — someone should’ve helped me with.

EIEs can be very different — loud or quiet — but they’re all very sensitive creatures: refined perception, sensitivity, emotional excitability — that’s the main source of their problems. Strong inner reactions to changes in the world. A friend whispered with another girl — they must be talking about me. Mom muttered something irritably — she must not love me. Boys laughed on the street — they must be laughing at me. And all of that was accompanied by excessive inner dramatization. My world was gradually getting painted black from the inside!!! EIEs are very vulnerable; they can be wounded by something completely insignificant to others.

<...> I think I didn’t express emotions brightly as a child, but inside I was extremely emotional, to the point that around nine or ten I started having neurotic reactions: if someone said something wrong — I cried. My nickname in the yard was “Nerves Out of Order.” When I showed up, that’s exactly how they called me, followed by laughter, mocking, and other forms of childish cruel joy. It hurt me to tears — exactly what my “tormentors” wanted. They skillfully pulled the strings to evoke the emotions they expected. The kids enjoyed making me cry because it was easy — just one little push. They found any excuse to get a reaction, to make me break into tears, run home, and suffer.

Sometimes my mom had to step in and explain things to the kids. My friend also used it — she’d say, “Let’s all stop being friends with her,” then, “Okay, fine, we’ll be friends with you again,” — such “swings.” I had plenty of emotional turbulence. And naturally, when you react emotionally all the time, you start reacting even to getting a C at school — get a C and that’s it, tears, tragedy. There was tragedy in everything.

Some life situations felt like matters of life and death to me.