Ekaterina M. (EIE) - Mood swings and emotional states

My mood swings go from zero to plus one hundred eighty-four. If I’m in a bad mood, first I start remembering something equally sad — and I’ve noticed some people listen to sad things to feel even worse, but I listen to sad things to feel better.

I go into resonance: a sad memory — a very pleasant one — then I shift into something very good, and I realize that life is livable. Adults should know that a child like this has a very unstable mood.

With my parents, my mood is usually good, but alone — it’s hard. Communication with others lifts my mood. But if I’m sitting gloomy and withdrawn, it’s better not to touch me. I tell the person: “Please don’t say anything more, one more word and I won’t be able to hold myself back!” — though I know I will hold myself back anyway. But what I wanted to do to that person… I’ll do it to myself.

For example, sometimes I really want to throw a fit, just yell at someone, go ultrasonic so everyone understands how I feel and what I think about it — when I say “that’s it!” I usually hold myself together outwardly, even if someone keeps talking, but inwardly I’m yelling at myself the same way I wanted to yell at the person. I go ultrasonic and tear myself apart inside. In such a situation it's better to sit down, drink tea, listen to music until the emotions settle.

If you don’t let me listen to music — I’ll die! Music reflects my emotions. If I want to say something — music says it for me. I can listen to the same song ten times in a row, savoring the genius of the people who created it. I merge into the music, I can even sway. Then I lose myself in the music, I don’t know where I am, I just listen, listen, listen. Then I come back to myself a bit — random thoughts about nothing and everything and each thing separately. And then I think: only geniuses could write such music — “Why am I not a genius? Why can’t I write something like this?”

People say I sound tragic. I rarely notice it. When I’m telling the truth, I don’t notice it; I notice it only when some tiny part of my consciousness wants to impress someone or show something extraordinary…